Chapter 13: Uncle Wallace
One summer day when Adam was ten years old we had a surprise visit.
Both Elaine and I were at home eating a light lunch on the new
back terrace when a grizzled old mountain man came walking out of the
woods with a big pack on his back. He came directly to us, a thin
little guy with a bushy white beard and long hair, dressed in clothes
so ragged and faded that he looked like a hobo, but his eyes were clear
and bright and his smile was shining with perfect teeth. Somehow he
"Howdy folks, remember me?"
"Uncle Wallace! Oh my God!" both Elaine and I shouted in perfect sync.
He set his pack on the porch, it thumped heavily although he didn't seem
to be tired of bearing it, clearly quite strong for an old coot. In
fact, he looked not a day older than the last time we'd seen him over
nine years before, when he'd given us the house and land. He had been
90 years old at that time, although amazingly healthy, so we'd assumed
he'd finally just died of old age somewhere out in the woods.
"Would you like something to eat?" Elaine asked.
Old Wallace looked at the display of delicious bread and cheese with meat
cold cuts, wrinkled his nose and said, "Thankee but no, can't eat that
sorta stuff no more."
"Well, whatever you DO eat, it seems to work for you-man, you look
incredibly healthy for your age!"
"Doin' all right, doin' all right."
"How about something to drink then?" Elaine asked, ever the good hostess.
"Well, were ya to offer me a cuppa coffee..."
"I'll make some, but you'll have to come into the kitchen, I don't want
to miss anything you have to say!"
We all went into the house together. I couldn't help noticing that Old
Wallace cringed slightly, as if he wasn't accustomed to going into
buildings any more, even though this had once been his very own house.
"As you can see, we've made some changes to the old place," I mentioned.
"Aye, very modern now. All the new-fangled." He sounded somewhat
scandalized, but considering that the kitchen had been absolutely
primitive when we'd moved in, nothing but a wood stove and a rusty
hand-pump for water, anything would seem "new-fangled".
Elaine set the electric kettle to boil water and then asked, "Would you
like a tour of the house?"
He nodded, "Guess I better make sure ye haven't wrecked the place." We
assumed he was joking, but his smile seemed apprehensive.
The living room was a success, though. He was glad to see that his old
fireplace was still intact and impressed by how much sunlight came in
through the bigger windows we had installed. The downstairs bathroom
was a surprise, he'd never had one. As we showed him our bedroom we
got the impression that we were showing him the Taj Mahal or any other
over-opulent display of wealth and gaudiness. It was hard to tell if he
approved or disapproved of what we had done to the house, but he did he
seem anxious about something.
"Upstairs is Adam's room," Elaine said, then thought, "oh-- do you know
about our son?"
Suddenly Old Wallace relaxed and it was obvious that this is what he'd
been anxious about. "Aye. I've heard you've been raisin' a Bigfoot boy.
Is he home?"
"Not right now, he and Melly are at the Lake, but they'll be back for
dinner. You're welcome to stay if you'd like to meet him."
"Very much like to," Old Wallace said, "can I see his room now?" Now
he sounded excited.
"Sure, it's the new part we added to the house, of course."
As I took him upstairs, he approved the extra-solid staircase we had
built, planning for Adam's weight to top out well over 500 pounds
someday, although he would still be within a human range for several
years yet. The room itself was large and open, with the hand-made
platform bed halfway out on the balcony, so that Adam slept essentially
outside, with the option to move inside when the weather was unpleasant.
There was also a desk and bench to study at, a computer, some movie
posters, a typical boy's room.
Old Wallace studied the room with obvious interest, asking what this or
that was for, mostly revealing how out of touch he was with modern life
--and modern kids. Finally he seemed to be satisfied, just as Elaine
was announcing that "Coffee is served!"
As we turned to go downstairs he said to me, "I really like what you're
done with the old house, it's jest perfect! I knew it was ye two that
should have it!"
"You know, we're still very thankful to you for the house, so you're
certainly welcome to the guest room if you want to stay a while."
"A day or two would be nice," he admitted, "I do have some business in
town: supplies, post office, bank."
I was tempted to ask if he needed any money, but did not want to offend
the old man's pride, so decided to wait on that.
We took the coffee back outside to the porch. When we offered the old
man a chair he looked at it funny for a second, as if he hadn't seen one
in years, but then pulled it out and sat on it.
"So where have you been for the last eight-nine years?"
"Up there, in them mountains," he said, "that's where I lives."
"And this is the first time you've been back in civilization in ten
years?" Elaine asked.
"Aw nae, I dip into small towns every now or nay, do some trading. First
time back here though."
Something occurred to me: "Wallace, have you ever seen a Bigfoot out
"Oh aye, lots of 'em."
"My God! Adam will want to talk to you!"
"Aye, suppose he might."
Adam arrived home about 5:00 o'clock with Melly and Sally, who had taken
the kids to the Lake and back. Adam and Melly tumbled out of the car
and came skipping up to the house with Sally following at a more
The kids stopped abruptly and started when they saw Old Wallace for the
first time: who was this weird little old wild man squatting on the
porch? But he was hardly threatening, smiling and nodding, bobbing his
head to greet them.
"Guess'n you must be Adam," he said, grinning like a crazy old man.
"This is our Uncle Wallace," Elaine introduced him, "the man who gave us
this house about ten years ago."
"Oh yeah, wow! I've heard of you," Adam said and stepped forward to
politely shake Old Wallace's hand. Wallace stood up to his full height
of 5'6", which from the elevation of the porch put him and Adam at eye
level. At that time Adam was 6'5" and weighed over 300 pounds, which
made him larger than the average 10-year-old, but still within human
Most people were intimidated at first sight of Adam but Old Wallace held
Adam's hand and eye contact for a long moment. Then he closed his eyes,
released hands and stepped back to admire the boy Sasquatch, without
once commenting on how big Adam was. Almost everyone did.
Sally arrived in time to break the spell before it became awkward. Not
even a 100-year-old wild man could keep his eyes off her. Especially
in short shorts and a bikini top. He had glanced over at first as if he
did not want to slip Adam out of sight, then did a double-take of the
beautiful blond Sally Weilsen. "Uhh...howdy, Ma'am!"
"Uhh, howdy yerself, pardner," Sally answered with her Hollywood smile.
Wallace noticed Melly standing there and swiveled his eyes up to look
at Elaine. "God-a-mighty, a man goes years without seeing any kind of
pretty human woman and all a'sudden he's surrounded by three of the most
boootiful he's ever seen anywhere at anytime!"
Elaine introduced everyone. Sally and Melly had also heard about the
grizzled old man who had given us the ranch.
"Uncle Wallace, what do you DO out in the woods?" Melly asked with the
simplicity of the young.
"Live there. I like them woods."
Adam knew what question to ask, "Have you ever met a Sasquatch?"
"Aye, lad, can't stay out there without bumping into them every once-a-
"Really? I've never met anyone else who has EVER seen one."
"Wall, if you're talkin to hunters and lumberjacks, they never will, them
sasquatches avoid machinery and guns; can smell 'em from far away."
"What are they like?"
"Waal, they're just like you, lad. Except that you are a rather
handsome example of the species-- some of them can be purty ugly!"
"See Addy? I SAID you were handsome!" Melly blurted out.
Wallace focused on her, "Oh, you like this Bigfoot boy, eh? Is he your
At ten years old Melly had already learned to be careful about that
question. At five years old it had been cute to say, "Addy's my big
brother right now, but when we grow up I'm going to marry him." But now
she was aware of how and why such a statement could cause problems as they
became older and since she refused to lie about her feelings for Adam
she often disguised the truth with sarcasm. However, to Old Wallace she
simply said, “Yes.”
"Aw, Mell..." Adam always blushed when Melly got all mushy.
Sally spoke up, "Melly loves Adam, just like all the rest of us do.
We're all family..." then with her winning smile, "...Uncle Wallace."
Wallace sighed, hypnotized by Sally's beauty, but then turned back to
Adam all business. "I s'pose you're gonna go lookin for your own kind
"Oh sure, we've BEEN looking. Art and I have..."
"Nope, son. You gotta do that alone, can't have nobody else with you,
they avoid humans. They're a secret folk, but they'll show themselves
to you someday if you go to them."
"Just how much DO you know about sasquatches?" I had to ask.
"Enough to know that they are a secret folk who don't want any strangers
to find them."
"How many have you seen?" Adam asked.
"Like I said, they're a secret folk so I don't think I should be telling
their secrets to anyone."
"But I'm a squatch too!" Adam protested.
"Not in your head, you ain't, I can see that in your eyes. You're just
as human as these three boootiful critters here, though nowhere near so
Uncle Wallace stayed overnight, but wouldn't sleep inside the house.
"Gotta have fresh air," he said, "that's what keeps me young: fresh air
and lots of pu..." he paused, as if he'd realized that it would be
improper to say the next word in mixed company. Your guess is as good
as mine, but the geezer was over a hundred years old, so "pussy" might
have just been wishful thinking. Although there was a hint of funny old
pervert about Uncle Wallace.
The next day was hot and sunny so the kids wanted to go to The Lake
again. I had to go teach summer school to enthusiastic students, but
Elaine was free so she and Sally arranged to drive out together. Uncle
Wallace had said he had things to do, but when he heard that they were
going to a nude beach he became very interested.
"I ain't seen a naked human woman in so long I forgot how they jiggle.
Can I come along?"
Elaine wondered if it was such a good idea, but there was no way she
could say No. She took the Van, since Adam was becoming so large that
it was hard to get him and four other people into a normal car. They
drove into Monroe and picked up Sally and Melly, then up the "secret"
logging road to Naked Lake.
No one knew the real name of Naked Lake, if it even had one. It was
most likely just a "lake number XX-XXX" on some logging map. There
were no signs, no shops, no snack bars, it was just out in the woods.
You had to know about it to find it and none of us regulars were telling
anyone we didn't trust. Paradise is such a delicate concept.
But Uncle Wallace knew the lake, remembered from his boyhood,
although he'd never met other people there in those days. The girls
almost expected him to say how much better it was back then, but even
he was satisfied with how clean and natural the place was, how nice a
community of regulars who came to swim and sunbathe on the dock and
especially how many naked girls there were to ogle. At his age it
hardly mattered that they weren't all perfect teenage beauties, even
those 50 and 60 years old were young and juicy enough to perk him up.
Of course, he was there with Elaine and Sally, two extremely beautiful
women. He couldn't help looking when they stripped down and Elaine
actually wondered if he really was going to have a heart attack. But as
usual, nudity is only interesting for so long and then one forgets what
all the fuss is about.
The old man seemed to have no compunctions about shedding his own
tattered clothes, which surprised Elaine considering the puritan ethics
of his generation. "Then again," she told me, "he had nothing to be
ashamed of." His skin was tanned and his body, although wrinkled and
spotted, was in impressive condition for any age. Well-defined muscles,
perfect posture and a solidly erect penis. She and Sally tried to
ignore the last item and hoped no one else had noticed, especially the
Melly and Adam had gone out to swim. Adam let her ride him as he
sped out to the rope swing, swimming at impressive velocity. The thick
cotton rope could still bear his weight in those days, so he swung out
over the water and swan-dived deep into the lake a few times. Once he
went underwater and swam over to the other side of the lake, probably to
impress Melly, but Uncle Wallace was also more interested in Adam than
any naked woman, even the gorgeous movie-star Sally and the willowy
Elaine. He studied Adam's every move. But then, so did everyone else,
because Adam moved with such superhuman strength and coordination
that it was like seeing a force of nature in action.
When the kids came back to the dock, Wallace sat near them to talk with
Adam. He told Adam that he could swim even faster if he learned how
wild Sasquatches swam. Adam listened to the instructions and hopped
into the water to try the style. He did not swim any faster, it seemed too
awkward since he was already expert at breast and back strokes, the
Australian crawl, etc. "Waal, you gotta practice to get any good at it,"
Wallace said and turned his attention back to naked women.
Melly, always the outspoken observer, said, "Uhmm, Uncle Wallace...
You've got a stiff thingy. Maybe you should cover it up before somebody
else sees it."
Wallace looked down, surprised, then up at Melly. "Waaal, guess tha's
'cause a' all that shiny woman skin. It's s'posed ta be stiff."
Melly leaned forward and whispered discretely to him, "Not in front of
strangers, silly, it's bad manners to be show everyone how horny you are.
Supposed to do that in private with your lover."
Wallace looked at her, nodded respectfully to her 10-year old worldly-
wisdom and laid a towel over his erection. "Scuse me, Missy," he said,
"where I been nobody thinks nothin 'bout a boner. But you're right, I
remember now: humans are skeerd a' boners." Then he addressed Adam,
"How 'bout you, lad, ever get a stiffie?"
Adam became so embarrassed that he couldn't speak, but Melly giggled
and snapped an answer back, "Oh, he gets them all the time! He's so
horny, tee hee hee!"
"Hey, I do not! ...not all the time, anyway!" Poor kid couldn't ever
tell a lie.
"He gets them because of me," Melly simply had to add, then did a flat-
chested pinup pose to demonstrate just how desirable she was and
concluded, "so who can blame him?" She was gratified to see Adam get
up and dive into the water.
Automatically moving in closer when a potential Dirty Old Man starts
talking to her 9-year-old kids about boners, Sally asked, "So just
where is it you HAVE you been, Uncle Wallace?"
"He's been with the squatches!" Melly said.
Sally looked questioningly at Wallace, who shrugged and said, "I seen
some, that's all I kin say 'bout 'em."
Sally studied the old man for a moment, how resolutely his lips were
sealed about the subject and then smiled her gorgeous smile at the
challenge. She turned on the towel so that she was now facing him
directly, presenting him with a perfect view of a spectacularly formed
young woman. She tossed her long blonde hair behind and leaned back,
arms behind to support her perfect Playboy pose, back slightly arched,
breasts high and glorious. Uncle Wallace didn't have a chance, his
eyes were riveted onto the spots. And then she swayed them just a
little, just enough: Sally was good at this.
"But I like sasquatches-- I even LOVE one of them like my own kid,"
she said, doing Marilyn Monroe better than the original, "so can't you
just tell ME something about them? Please, Uncle Wally?"
"Miss Sally, you lookin' like that makes me wanna say whatever you
wanna hear, but I's sworn not to..." Sally did her little swaying-trick
again. "..but rekon I could tell YOU that..."
"I better whisper it to you, ain't tellin' everbuddy. Just you."
Sally had to give up her spectacular pose to lean closer, putting her
lovely ear next to the old man's wrinkled lips. "All right, now tell me."
"I can tell you that..."
"Yes?" Even closer, leaning in tight.
"...that you got 'bout the sweetest teats I ever seen so close up," and
he gave her earlobe a gentle little nibble.
Sally sat up straight, aware that she had been conned, but not sure what
to do about it. She ended up laughing and so did old Uncle Wallace.
Melly laughed too, although she didn't get the joke.
Uncle Wallace stayed for dinner, or rather he stayed for coffee, since
he still would not eat our kind of food. He had some fresh thistles to
chew, which he had plucked in the woods. He offered Adam some of them.
"Sorry, but YUK!" Adam said, "They don't look very appetizing to me."
"No? Well, then you can starve out in the woods while surrounded by
lots of food. This is what Bigfoot mostly eats, laddy. I think you
better try it..."
"Squatches really eat this?" Adam double-checked, suspicious of being
fooled as Sally was.
"They loves it!"
Adam put a tiny bouquet of thistles into his mouth and began to chew.
"Hmmm!" he mumbled, looking very concentrated. "It's actually okay! I
kinda remember the taste from somewhere." He took another bouquet and
ate that too.
"That's cause you's eaten it before, laddy-- when you was a wee babe."
Adam gave old Wallace a peculiar look, the way he does when he hears
people saying one thing and meaning another, either a lie or too much of
the truth. It may have something to do with his being unable to lie
"Uncle Wallace, did you happen to know my sasquatch mother?"
Uncle Wallace froze. We all did. Then he slowly smiled, as if in
appreciation of Adam's cleverness, but did not answer the question.
Instead, he went outside, took his backpack and walked off into the
We haven't seen him since then and it's probably been too many years
for such an old man to still be alive.