Chapter 13:    Uncle Wallace

ART writes--

One summer day when Adam was ten years old we had a surprise visit.  
Both Elaine and I were at home eating a light lunch on the new 
back terrace when a grizzled old mountain man came walking out of the 
woods with a big pack on his back.  He came directly to us, a thin 
little guy with a bushy white beard and long hair, dressed in clothes 
so ragged and faded that he looked like a hobo, but his eyes were clear 
and bright and his smile was shining with perfect teeth.  Somehow he 
looked familiar.

"Howdy folks, remember me?"

"Uncle Wallace!  Oh my God!" both Elaine and I shouted in perfect sync.

He set his pack on the porch, it thumped heavily although he didn't seem 
to be tired of bearing it, clearly quite strong for an old coot.  In 
fact, he looked not a day older than the last time we'd seen him over 
nine years before, when he'd given us the house and land.  He had been 
90 years old at that time, although amazingly healthy, so we'd assumed 
he'd finally just died of old age somewhere out in the woods.

"Would you like something to eat?" Elaine asked.

Old Wallace looked at the display of delicious bread and cheese with meat 
cold cuts, wrinkled his nose and said, "Thankee but no, can't eat that 
sorta stuff no more."

"Well, whatever you DO eat, it seems to work for you-man, you look 
incredibly healthy for your age!"

"Doin' all right, doin' all right."

"How about something to drink then?" Elaine asked, ever the good hostess.

"Well, were ya to offer me a cuppa coffee..."

"I'll make some, but you'll have to come into the kitchen, I don't want 
to miss anything you have to say!"

We all went into the house together.  I couldn't help noticing that Old 
Wallace cringed slightly, as if he wasn't accustomed to going into 
buildings any more, even though this had once been his very own house.  

"As you can see, we've made some changes to the old place," I mentioned.

"Aye, very modern now.  All the new-fangled."  He sounded somewhat 
scandalized, but considering that the kitchen had been absolutely 
primitive when we'd moved in, nothing but a wood stove and a rusty 
hand-pump for water, anything would seem "new-fangled".

Elaine set the electric kettle to boil water and then asked, "Would you 
like a tour of the house?"

He nodded, "Guess I better make sure ye haven't wrecked the place."  We 
assumed he was joking, but his smile seemed apprehensive. 

The living room was a success, though.  He was glad to see that his old 
fireplace was still intact and impressed by how much sunlight came in 
through the bigger windows we had installed.  The downstairs bathroom 
was a surprise, he'd never had one.  As we showed him our bedroom we 
got the impression that we were showing him the Taj Mahal or any other 
over-opulent display of wealth and gaudiness.  It was hard to tell if he 
approved or disapproved of what we had done to the house, but he did he 
seem anxious about something.

"Upstairs is Adam's room," Elaine said, then thought, "oh-- do you know 
about our son?"

Suddenly Old Wallace relaxed and it was obvious that this is what he'd 
been anxious about.  "Aye. I've heard you've been raisin' a Bigfoot boy.  
Is he home?"

"Not right now, he and Melly are at the Lake, but they'll be back for 
dinner.  You're welcome to stay if you'd like to meet him."

"Very much like to," Old Wallace said, "can I see his room now?"  Now 
he sounded excited.

"Sure, it's the new part we added to the house, of course."

As I took him upstairs, he approved the extra-solid staircase we had 
built, planning for Adam's weight to top out well over 500 pounds 
someday, although he would still be within a human range for several 
years yet.  The room itself was large and open, with the hand-made 
platform bed halfway out on the balcony, so that Adam slept essentially 
outside, with the option to move inside when the weather was unpleasant.  
There was also a desk and bench to study at, a computer, some movie 
posters, a typical boy's room.

Old Wallace studied the room with obvious interest, asking what this or 
that was for, mostly revealing how out of touch he was with modern life
--and modern kids.  Finally he seemed to be satisfied, just as Elaine 
was announcing that "Coffee is served!"

As we turned to go downstairs he said to me, "I really like what you're 
done with the old house, it's jest perfect!  I knew it was ye two that 
should have it!"

"You know, we're still very thankful to you for the house, so you're 
certainly welcome to the guest room if you want to stay a while."

"A day or two would be nice," he admitted, "I do have some business in 
town: supplies, post office, bank."

I was tempted to ask if he needed any money, but did not want to offend 
the old man's pride, so decided to wait on that.

We took the coffee back outside to the porch. When we offered the old 
man a chair he looked at it funny for a second, as if he hadn't seen one 
in years, but then pulled it out and sat on it.

"So where have you been for the last eight-nine years?"

"Up there, in them mountains," he said, "that's where I lives."

"And this is the first time you've been back in civilization in ten 
years?" Elaine asked.

"Aw nae, I dip into small towns every now or nay, do some trading.  First 
time back here though."

Something occurred to me: "Wallace, have you ever seen a Bigfoot out 

"Oh aye, lots of 'em." 

"My God!  Adam will want to talk to you!"

"Aye, suppose he might."

Adam arrived home about 5:00 o'clock with Melly and Sally, who had taken the kids to the Lake and back. Adam and Melly tumbled out of the car and came skipping up to the house with Sally following at a more leisurely pace. The kids stopped abruptly and started when they saw Old Wallace for the first time: who was this weird little old wild man squatting on the porch? But he was hardly threatening, smiling and nodding, bobbing his head to greet them. "Guess'n you must be Adam," he said, grinning like a crazy old man. "Uh...yeah." "This is our Uncle Wallace," Elaine introduced him, "the man who gave us this house about ten years ago." "Oh yeah, wow! I've heard of you," Adam said and stepped forward to politely shake Old Wallace's hand. Wallace stood up to his full height of 5'6", which from the elevation of the porch put him and Adam at eye level. At that time Adam was 6'5" and weighed over 300 pounds, which made him larger than the average 10-year-old, but still within human standards. Most people were intimidated at first sight of Adam but Old Wallace held Adam's hand and eye contact for a long moment. Then he closed his eyes, released hands and stepped back to admire the boy Sasquatch, without once commenting on how big Adam was. Almost everyone did. Sally arrived in time to break the spell before it became awkward. Not even a 100-year-old wild man could keep his eyes off her. Especially in short shorts and a bikini top. He had glanced over at first as if he did not want to slip Adam out of sight, then did a double-take of the beautiful blond Sally Weilsen. "Uhh...howdy, Ma'am!" "Uhh, howdy yerself, pardner," Sally answered with her Hollywood smile. Wallace noticed Melly standing there and swiveled his eyes up to look at Elaine. "God-a-mighty, a man goes years without seeing any kind of pretty human woman and all a'sudden he's surrounded by three of the most boootiful he's ever seen anywhere at anytime!" Elaine introduced everyone. Sally and Melly had also heard about the grizzled old man who had given us the ranch. "Uncle Wallace, what do you DO out in the woods?" Melly asked with the simplicity of the young. "Live there. I like them woods." Adam knew what question to ask, "Have you ever met a Sasquatch?" "Aye, lad, can't stay out there without bumping into them every once-a- while." "Really? I've never met anyone else who has EVER seen one." "Wall, if you're talkin to hunters and lumberjacks, they never will, them sasquatches avoid machinery and guns; can smell 'em from far away." "What are they like?" "Waal, they're just like you, lad. Except that you are a rather handsome example of the species-- some of them can be purty ugly!" "See Addy? I SAID you were handsome!" Melly blurted out. Wallace focused on her, "Oh, you like this Bigfoot boy, eh? Is he your boyfriend?" At ten years old Melly had already learned to be careful about that question. At five years old it had been cute to say, "Addy's my big brother right now, but when we grow up I'm going to marry him." But now she was aware of how and why such a statement could cause problems as they became older and since she refused to lie about her feelings for Adam she often disguised the truth with sarcasm. However, to Old Wallace she simply said, “Yes.” "Aw, Mell..." Adam always blushed when Melly got all mushy. Sally spoke up, "Melly loves Adam, just like all the rest of us do. We're all family..." then with her winning smile, "...Uncle Wallace." Wallace sighed, hypnotized by Sally's beauty, but then turned back to Adam all business. "I s'pose you're gonna go lookin for your own kind some day?" "Oh sure, we've BEEN looking. Art and I have..." "Nope, son. You gotta do that alone, can't have nobody else with you, they avoid humans. They're a secret folk, but they'll show themselves to you someday if you go to them." "Just how much DO you know about sasquatches?" I had to ask. "Enough to know that they are a secret folk who don't want any strangers to find them." "How many have you seen?" Adam asked. "Like I said, they're a secret folk so I don't think I should be telling their secrets to anyone." "But I'm a squatch too!" Adam protested. "Not in your head, you ain't, I can see that in your eyes. You're just as human as these three boootiful critters here, though nowhere near so purty."
Uncle Wallace stayed overnight, but wouldn't sleep inside the house. "Gotta have fresh air," he said, "that's what keeps me young: fresh air and lots of pu..." he paused, as if he'd realized that it would be improper to say the next word in mixed company. Your guess is as good as mine, but the geezer was over a hundred years old, so "pussy" might have just been wishful thinking. Although there was a hint of funny old pervert about Uncle Wallace. The next day was hot and sunny so the kids wanted to go to The Lake again. I had to go teach summer school to enthusiastic students, but Elaine was free so she and Sally arranged to drive out together. Uncle Wallace had said he had things to do, but when he heard that they were going to a nude beach he became very interested. "I ain't seen a naked human woman in so long I forgot how they jiggle. Can I come along?" Elaine wondered if it was such a good idea, but there was no way she could say No. She took the Van, since Adam was becoming so large that it was hard to get him and four other people into a normal car. They drove into Monroe and picked up Sally and Melly, then up the "secret" logging road to Naked Lake. No one knew the real name of Naked Lake, if it even had one. It was most likely just a "lake number XX-XXX" on some logging map. There were no signs, no shops, no snack bars, it was just out in the woods. You had to know about it to find it and none of us regulars were telling anyone we didn't trust. Paradise is such a delicate concept. But Uncle Wallace knew the lake, remembered from his boyhood, although he'd never met other people there in those days. The girls almost expected him to say how much better it was back then, but even he was satisfied with how clean and natural the place was, how nice a community of regulars who came to swim and sunbathe on the dock and especially how many naked girls there were to ogle. At his age it hardly mattered that they weren't all perfect teenage beauties, even those 50 and 60 years old were young and juicy enough to perk him up. Of course, he was there with Elaine and Sally, two extremely beautiful women. He couldn't help looking when they stripped down and Elaine actually wondered if he really was going to have a heart attack. But as usual, nudity is only interesting for so long and then one forgets what all the fuss is about. The old man seemed to have no compunctions about shedding his own tattered clothes, which surprised Elaine considering the puritan ethics of his generation. "Then again," she told me, "he had nothing to be ashamed of." His skin was tanned and his body, although wrinkled and spotted, was in impressive condition for any age. Well-defined muscles, perfect posture and a solidly erect penis. She and Sally tried to ignore the last item and hoped no one else had noticed, especially the kids. Melly and Adam had gone out to swim. Adam let her ride him as he sped out to the rope swing, swimming at impressive velocity. The thick cotton rope could still bear his weight in those days, so he swung out over the water and swan-dived deep into the lake a few times. Once he went underwater and swam over to the other side of the lake, probably to impress Melly, but Uncle Wallace was also more interested in Adam than any naked woman, even the gorgeous movie-star Sally and the willowy Elaine. He studied Adam's every move. But then, so did everyone else, because Adam moved with such superhuman strength and coordination that it was like seeing a force of nature in action. When the kids came back to the dock, Wallace sat near them to talk with Adam. He told Adam that he could swim even faster if he learned how wild Sasquatches swam. Adam listened to the instructions and hopped into the water to try the style. He did not swim any faster, it seemed too awkward since he was already expert at breast and back strokes, the Australian crawl, etc. "Waal, you gotta practice to get any good at it," Wallace said and turned his attention back to naked women. Melly, always the outspoken observer, said, "Uhmm, Uncle Wallace... You've got a stiff thingy. Maybe you should cover it up before somebody else sees it." Wallace looked down, surprised, then up at Melly. "Waaal, guess tha's 'cause a' all that shiny woman skin. It's s'posed ta be stiff." Melly leaned forward and whispered discretely to him, "Not in front of strangers, silly, it's bad manners to be show everyone how horny you are. Supposed to do that in private with your lover." Wallace looked at her, nodded respectfully to her 10-year old worldly- wisdom and laid a towel over his erection. "Scuse me, Missy," he said, "where I been nobody thinks nothin 'bout a boner. But you're right, I remember now: humans are skeerd a' boners." Then he addressed Adam, "How 'bout you, lad, ever get a stiffie?" Adam became so embarrassed that he couldn't speak, but Melly giggled and snapped an answer back, "Oh, he gets them all the time! He's so horny, tee hee hee!" "Hey, I do not! ...not all the time, anyway!" Poor kid couldn't ever tell a lie. "He gets them because of me," Melly simply had to add, then did a flat- chested pinup pose to demonstrate just how desirable she was and concluded, "so who can blame him?" She was gratified to see Adam get up and dive into the water. Automatically moving in closer when a potential Dirty Old Man starts talking to her 9-year-old kids about boners, Sally asked, "So just where is it you HAVE you been, Uncle Wallace?" "He's been with the squatches!" Melly said. Sally looked questioningly at Wallace, who shrugged and said, "I seen some, that's all I kin say 'bout 'em." Sally studied the old man for a moment, how resolutely his lips were sealed about the subject and then smiled her gorgeous smile at the challenge. She turned on the towel so that she was now facing him directly, presenting him with a perfect view of a spectacularly formed young woman. She tossed her long blonde hair behind and leaned back, arms behind to support her perfect Playboy pose, back slightly arched, breasts high and glorious. Uncle Wallace didn't have a chance, his eyes were riveted onto the spots. And then she swayed them just a little, just enough: Sally was good at this. "But I like sasquatches-- I even LOVE one of them like my own kid," she said, doing Marilyn Monroe better than the original, "so can't you just tell ME something about them? Please, Uncle Wally?" "Miss Sally, you lookin' like that makes me wanna say whatever you wanna hear, but I's sworn not to..." Sally did her little swaying-trick again. "..but rekon I could tell YOU that..." "Yes? What?" "I better whisper it to you, ain't tellin' everbuddy. Just you." Sally had to give up her spectacular pose to lean closer, putting her lovely ear next to the old man's wrinkled lips. "All right, now tell me." "I can tell you that..." "Yes?" Even closer, leaning in tight. "...that you got 'bout the sweetest teats I ever seen so close up," and he gave her earlobe a gentle little nibble. Sally sat up straight, aware that she had been conned, but not sure what to do about it. She ended up laughing and so did old Uncle Wallace. Melly laughed too, although she didn't get the joke.
Uncle Wallace stayed for dinner, or rather he stayed for coffee, since he still would not eat our kind of food. He had some fresh thistles to chew, which he had plucked in the woods. He offered Adam some of them. "Sorry, but YUK!" Adam said, "They don't look very appetizing to me." "No? Well, then you can starve out in the woods while surrounded by lots of food. This is what Bigfoot mostly eats, laddy. I think you better try it..." "Squatches really eat this?" Adam double-checked, suspicious of being fooled as Sally was. "They loves it!" Adam put a tiny bouquet of thistles into his mouth and began to chew. "Hmmm!" he mumbled, looking very concentrated. "It's actually okay! I kinda remember the taste from somewhere." He took another bouquet and ate that too. "That's cause you's eaten it before, laddy-- when you was a wee babe." Adam gave old Wallace a peculiar look, the way he does when he hears people saying one thing and meaning another, either a lie or too much of the truth. It may have something to do with his being unable to lie himself. "Uncle Wallace, did you happen to know my sasquatch mother?" Uncle Wallace froze. We all did. Then he slowly smiled, as if in appreciation of Adam's cleverness, but did not answer the question. Instead, he went outside, took his backpack and walked off into the woods again. We haven't seen him since then and it's probably been too many years for such an old man to still be alive.

Chapter 14

Adam out of Eden