Chapter 24:     Melly Tells More

MELLY writes on--

When I went to Indonesia, I was glad to go.  Glad to get away from
the memories of where my mom had been, glad to get away from Addy.
I'd had enough of being so dedicated to a...a squatch and then to
be finally turned down when I offered him everything I had.  I 
needed some distance from all that.

I mean, it wasn't supposed to be like this!  We were cosmic mates,
what went wrong?  You know it really should have been the other way
around: the utterly desirable and beautiful girl (me) tells the 
hopeless oaf (he), "Oh, well, I DO love you, sort of I guess, just
not THAT way, you're more like a...well, a brother to me..."  Now 
that would have been much more satisfying!

I mean Holy Shit, he's a BIGFOOT, for god's sake--a big hairy ape,
a monster-thing no girl in her right mind could possibly fall for.
Too big, too strong and too too weird.  Why shouldn't he have to 
settle for some fat ugly girl with pimples and frizzy hair?

There, now I'm warming up to be the bitch I need to be, better that 
than feeling sorry for myself because I'm not fat or ugly enough 
for Addy.

Dad always said that I was "goofy about Adam" and he was right. I
was like some pre-teen girl who had put all of her feelings into 
her horse, or something like that, an animal of great power and
beauty, a sexual proxy for the boy or man they were not yet ready
to feel that kind of emotion for.  It was an unrealistic love, a 
fantasy.  And, my God, wasn't Adam just that? --a fantasy beast, a
fable-troll, the quintessential mythic daemon lover?  Hmm, maybe 
I'd better check the spelling of "quintessential"...  

I mean, why did I love Adam anyway?  He was nice, sure; big and
strong, wow; and he DID love me, I knew that much.  But why HIM, 
why not some cute human guy?  We had this "cosmic mate" thing 
going on, but with no explanations or reasons.  Okay, maybe there 
were some reasons, Addy was my chance to be in contact with magic, 
someone who was literally from another world, Addy was my ticket 
to heaven.  But I didn't know that when I was 3 years old, did I?

But one thing I've learned about love affairs since then, is that
they are either about mutual desire...or they are not.  On or off, 
yes or no, sexual or not, pretty basic, really.  Anyway, what I'm 
trying to say is that my relationship with Addy JUST WAS. 

With every other guy I'd met, that wasn't happening, at least not 
for me.  Okay, I guess for some of those boys it was, but I just 
couldn't get into it, which is why they all finally dropped me.  

You know, I'd always thought of myself as a Very Horny Chick.  I'd
always wanted to try out some sex and not just with Addy.  I 
lusted after movies stars, rock stars--boy, did I have a thing for
Justin Timberlake at one time. But when I left Addy behind, I left 
all that other desire behind too.  It was a relief at first, but 
after a while I yearned to feel that way again--but there just 
wasn't any guy who generated the spark I needed to get it up 
and running.  Oh no, so was I frigid now?  

By now you must be asking What Is Wrong With This Very Frigid 
Horny Chick?  I sure was.  But then I figured it out, remembering 
that it was all because of Addy's pheromones!  

Art had warned me, which I had poo-poohed back then, but he'd been
right all along--I'd been drugged by Addy's smell, bombed out by 
bigfoot B O, seduced by squatch sex fumes, turned into a pheromone
junkie!  No wonder I'd been so horny!  And all the time I was just
an innocent victim--that stinking sasquatch had slipped my quim a 
mickey!  It was all Addy's fault...he just didn't know it.

I went to an international school in Jakarta, a little bit snotty upper-class, mostly rich kids of foreign executives. But I was accepted as cool enough because I was daughter of Sally Rathers, semi-famous Movie Star. It was a pretty good school academically. There were lots of smart kids, some of them even nice. I got along okay. There were also lots of good-looking guys, although most of the girls I knew complained that the guys were more interested in Indonesian girls than any of them in school. It was easy to see why, most of the high-class school girls were into status and looking good. The local girls were into pleasing a man any way he wanted. The local girls were very pretty and pretty much available to any foreign guy, who was automatically rich by their standards. If not to marry, then just for a little vacation from poverty. I got to know several of Dad's throw-away girl friends, so I sympathized with them. Anyway, there were lots of guys after me. Desperate for me, silly about me. Didn't let it go to my head though, figured it was just because of my Mom, famous from movies and Playboy and Internet, so that I was inherently a status score. Maybe I sound a little negative about life in an International High School, a little snooty myself, like I thought all the girls were airheads and all the guys were sexist pigs. Almost guilty, but there were some good people too. Even some nice boys. So in Jakarta I flirted with the idea of flirting, was open to maybe finding a boy friend, maybe even getting laid just to see what it was like. I was not, I repeat NOT, being faithful to Adam Leroy Forest, bigfoot boy back in the woods. He'd disappointed me! He'd rejected me! I'd offered him all of my goodies and he hadn't accepted my ultimate gift. "I can't", he'd said. Well fuck you too, Addy...NOT! So I did flirt, had boy friends, kissed some of them. Broke some hearts too, I guess, because I was still a virgin when I left Jakarta. Whenever it got down to let's-do-it time, I always ended up saying "I can't", just like Addy had said to me. I just didn't burn to have those boys, don't know why. I'd been raised liberally by Doug and Sally, so hey, I was a free thinker. So I'd never been planning anything so bourgeois as marriage and family-- not until I was really old anyway, 29 or something. My plan was to play around, experiment, have lots of lovers, one-night-stands, to be a dangerous woman. What happened? I get goofy over a squatch. Damn!
We were supposed to live in Jakarta for just one year, but Dad kept getting his contract renewed, so we stayed on and on. The truth is, he was keeping me from going back to Adam. I complained at first, but after a while I didn't really care. The few times I'd tried to contact Addy it had been more or less traumatic. I called him once on the phone and we both ended up crying over our hopeless star-crossed teen-age love, so I wouldn't phone again until he had called me--which he never did. But I still couldn't forget him. I sent him some voice-mails, since he couldn't read a normal e-mail. Addy had never been especially computer-literate, but I had taught him how to do voice-mails just so that he could send me some very private messages and I could send back answers that I'm sure he would have been too shy to let anyone else hear. But he never sent anything back. Oh, a polite “Merry Christmas”, crap like that, but nothing I wanted to hear. But finally, after years, he finally began to send me some interesting messages. He was telling me he loved me and that he couldn't forget me, although he never once said those words. I could hear it in his voice--or so I told myself. But I was pretty lukewarm to him by then, we hadn't seen each other in a couple of years, Monroe seemed so far away. At first his letters weren't especially interesting, I knew that mine were much better and I could even wonder what I'd ever seen in him. But then he started to go out into the wilderness looking for his own sasquatch people, describing for me what he'd seen and thought and felt--I had to listen to them again and again until I'd memorized them and then I'd keep on listening just to hear his sexy voice--I mean that big hairy squatch was a bloody POET and he was scoring me like none of those boys in the International High School could ever ever ever could. I fell in love all over again! After coming to Jakarta I started to question just why I had been so totally aroused by Addy--yes, of course I knew that it was unreasonable to be in love with a Bigfoot! There was that thing about pheromones, of course: okay, maybe I had been drugged by his squatch mating smell-spell, or whatever, but once I got away from it I would come to my senses again, right? But then his voice got to me on those mails and his words, then Elaine would send some .JPGs of the whole family and I always drooled over the pictures of Addy--and cried. At some point you gotta give up and say, "Oh, I like the whole package--I'll buy it!"
When I turned 16 years old, the trust fund Mom had set up for me came into effect. The Sally Rathers Estate was worth well over 5 million dollars, movie money you know and my yearly allowance was suddenly a LOT for a teen-aged kid. Suddenly I was independent of Dad's money, which he'd rationed up to then. He didn't want me flying off to Monroe for summer vacations, for example. About that same time political riots were starting up all over Indonesia, their economy was so bad by then that the people were absolutely desperate, ready for any kind of revolution. The mob went out of control, Suharto's regime lost it and finally fell. But in the meantime it got totally crazy: shops were trashed and burned, especially Chinese shops and rich foreigners (like us) were in danger. It was time to get out of town--and fast. So we did. I decided to go finish my last year of high school in Monroe, Washington. Dad was against that plan, forbade it, in fact. But I had my own money now, so I said I was going anyway, he could come along--or not. I could always stay with Art and Elaine. Dad decided to come too.
When I did come back from Indonesia I was kind of scared to meet Adam again. What if either he or I didn't feel the same anymore? But no, it wasn't that either, I knew all that teen-age heart- throb crap just did not apply here. Adam and I were still cosmic mates, 4 years apart couldn't change that and I knew it. No, what really scared me was that we WOULD feel that same unquenchable burning passion. But I had to come back, moth to the flame. And when I came into the house and saw him standing there (like "a mountain," Dad said, although I know he meant "like a monster"), that was it: I was where I had to be. Addy was just so...oh, I don't want to say "so big" or "like totally humongous"--I mean he was, sure--but it was way more than that. He stood there like a Giant of Old, a Force of Nature, a God Incarnate, muscular power just radiating out of him like sunshine warming my face. I felt tiny. How stupid of me to want him, he was too much Man/Whatever for any one little woman to have and hold. I had this bizarre flash of being Lois Lane: I mean, what does that bimbo really have to attract someone like Superman? He's smarter, stronger, faster, better at anything than anyone. Maybe she's beautiful, big deal, Superman could get any woman. Why her? And yet there stood Addy, the big oaf, just as stupid as me, just as confused and shy, a great big Clark Kent not knowing what to say or do. Afraid of me, little me. And it was so obvious--written all over his face, his surrendering posture--that I could crush him just by not loving him. And I just had to love him for that. So I put us right back into our little game, jumped him, climbed all over him, kissed him properly and insisted that he take us for a run in the woods. I had to be aggressive and outrageous so that he could be shy, we both knew our parts, four years of separation were just warped away and we were US again. He ran us up to the top of Old Bald Top, flying between the trees in the dark. And there we sat for a while, just holding each other, didn't really say much. "Well, there was that four years," I finally said, just to break the silence. "Yeah," he said. Man of few words. I was about to challenge him on that, but found I didn't want to say any words either. I looked at him, he looked at me, mental conversations zapping between us: You've grown so big, I like it; you're even prettier than before; I love your big hairy hands, put them on me; your breasts are bigger; do you want to see them?; I want to see everything; me too. We took off our clothes. It was dark by then but he can see in the dark. I walked around him and turned, posed, let him have a good look. I wasn't shy, hey, I knew I looked good. He smelled me and I could see my own famous pheromones hit him. We got even hornier than we used to do and I won't mince words, I was ready to make any kind of love with the man I loved, he could just plain have me then and there. But he didn't and that was all right too, it was almost too much for our first twenty minutes together in four years. But it was him who kept his cool, not me, just like back when we were 13. I felt a twinge of that old rejection. I didn't push it though, I mean I wanted to, but was also still pretty nervous about actually DOING IT with him. He was even bigger than before, all that Male Meat, his dangerous strength, not to mention the size of his you-know-what: which I'd last seen when he was 13 and he'd grown at least a foot since then...uh, UP that is, not long...well at least I'd hoped not...oh God. And the worst was that I was still a virgin. Yeah I know, I talk like a whore: all talk. I remember thinking that I really should have done us both a favor and gotten myself deflowered--I'd had plenty of offers--but since there'd never been any other boy I'd ever wanted the way I wanted Addy, I'd put it off. So we ran on through the woods again, I rode naked on his furry back and felt all those muscles pulsing away under me, like riding a horse, or a dragon, with the sting of leaves and small branches just kissing my bare skin as we thundered through the dark at hysterical speed. Sometimes he would leap and we'd be sailing, flying, falling through blackness and then land smoothly running and the thunder would continue. And me just hugging my boy friend tighter and tighter, closer and closer, thrilled, overwhelmed, so ab-so-fucking-lutely in love. And the smell of him! I'd forgotten that. He was sweating as he ran, I buried my nose in the fur of his neck and breathed it in, got even more turned on, found myself grinding my pussy against his spine, making that wet spot Dad had accused me of so long ago... Hmmm, guess I AM getting kind of raunchy now. Well what the hell, that's the way it was for me. Maybe I'm a pervert. Maybe scratch the "maybe". The running was just like I'd known it before, no trace of disappointment there; if anything Addy was stronger, faster, more... just MORE! This is what I had really dreamed of for four years. All that time in Indonesia, all the cool adventures I had had on Bali, in Singapore, with classmates, with boys, always I kept on missing the running. Missing him. Wishing I was with him instead of being in Jakarta. Or wishing he was with me on Bali, in Jokja, at Borobudur. Through all of that I was only half of me! After our run through the woods Addy and I went back to the house and the others, Dad and Art and Elaine, I wanted to show up naked as a declaration of freedom and maybe shock them all a little just for fun, but Adam insisted that we get dressed for their sakes. And maybe for our own, since we didn't want any trouble from my Dad. I've asked Elaine if she'd ever tried it, riding Adam through the woods. She said No, but looked kind of wistful. I guess maybe it does seem overtly intimate, not really mother-son behavior. I had announced that it was "better than sex", but then again, I didn't really know yet, did I?
We were crazy in love for the first couple of weeks after I got back to Monroe, days were fun, nights were hot, but still no sex. I was less intimidated all the time, working myself up to the big moment. I knew it had to come soon. There was no real hurry, but soon, gasp, soon. It gets weird though, pressing and rubbing bodies together with no sexual release, just more and more tension. I was ready to beg him again and then it sort of peaked out and I didn't care. If he wasn't ready, well, that was okay...dork. It's just that his smell kept turning me on again. Actually, I could barely smell it after a while, it was very subtle, but kept on working anyway...or I'm guessing it was the pheromones, it could also have been just plain being in love. What did I know, I'd never felt it for anyone else. Dad moved back into town and insisted that I go with him, said I couldn't just MOVE IN with Addy, we were only guests in Art and Elaine's house, not family. Well, I knew that I WAS family, but for Dad's sake I moved into Monroe with him so that he wouldn't be all alone. He didn't have all his Indonesian girl friends anymore and he was remembering Mom again. And it was no secret that he had a thing for Elaine. Anyway, I was also pretty stressed out by Adam's reluctance to take the plunge--into me. I was madly in love, but horny and frustrated, guess that defines it. Finally I decided that it simply had to happen, I picked a day. We had a wonderful time out at the lake, then Adam took me for a run up over a mountaintop on the way home, dinner with his folks --Elaine and I made one of my Indonesian recipes, mmm--and then up to Adam's room to cuddle up with the man I love and listen to Il Barbiere di Siviglia by Rossini. I mean, this was an APHRODISIAC day! I wasn't just aroused, I was decided. Not afraid at all--I didn't care if it killed me, I was going to end this stalemate and make our total relationship work. I didn't even care if either of us came or if there were fireworks, all I really wanted was that PERVERSE barrier gone from between us. All Adam had to do was just lie there and let me have him. I'd do everything. So there he lay on his oversized bed, still dressed in his over- sized clothes. I took mine off and lay beside him. He put an arm around me, to cuddle. But I wasn't in a cuddling mood, turned and started undressing him. He let me, but was still being passive. Or trying to be, his erection jabbed up hugely when I kissed it. Then I straddled it. I wasn't going to beg him again, I was just going to rape him. I got as far as lowering myself onto it when he stopped me with his great big hands, folded away and said, "No! We can't, Mel!" I tried to be patient with the jerk. Rattled off all the logical justifications I'd been practicing all day. "Sure we can. We're old enough now. We ARE already lovers, you know. Cosmic Mates, remember? I'll marry you, if that's what it takes. But it's TIME, Addy, to consummate our relationship. I insist!" "We can't. Or rather, I can't." "Well, you're obviously NOT impotent, I reckon you CAN..." "It's not that, it's..." "Well?" "I shouldn't even be doing THIS with you, it's not fair to either one of us. But...but I just want you so bad that I can't resist letting you sleep with me. I really enjoy all our love-play, but then we get to this point and I have you." I took a deep breath. "All right, let's work this out: WHY won't you fuck me, Addy?" "Because THAT's exactly what I may not do!" I was shaking my head, in frustration and irritation now. "Sure you can. I SAY you may, so it's not rape. And if it's because of some bullshit sasquatch-human racism, that's up to US and no one else! There's no reason we can't just make love together right now!" "There IS a reason! I...I just can't tell you what it is." I paused, I sighed. "Why not?" "If I could tell you that, I could tell you everything." "So...WHEN do you plan on telling me?" "I don't know if...I ever can." I was sitting on his hip, he was lying sideways, leg up, twisted so that his face was hidden down in his pillow. "Okay," I was really calm now, honest, "change of subject: WHEN do you think we can know, solve this problem?" Addy broke down and began to cry. I mean, really sobbing, really ruined. Kind of took me by surprise, I thought I was going to be the one who started crying. "That bad, eh?" I was sympathetic, but scared. "Are we talking Later, or...or Never?" That's when Addy lost it, any restraint he had been saving went out the window, total full-bore TRAGIC weeping wracked with GRIEF. That was his answer. So then I had to cry too. We cried together for a long time. Then I went to my room and slept alone, or tried to. Finally just got up and waited until dawn for someone to wake up and drive me home. When I got home I cut off all my hair.
Talk about traumatic. We broke up. What a stupid teen-age concept: as if cosmic mates even COULD break up, but that's how twisted around we got by this perverse fate that had been dealt us. Addy wouldn't or couldn't have sex with me and I was hurt, insulted, pissed off, etc etc. He was just as bad off, sad and wasted. We might NEVER see each other again. Our life-long relationship was OVER! That lasted about a day. I'd gone home to Dad, Addy came to see me there. Dad told Addy that I didn't want to see him, but I heard them talking and came down. When I came into the living room, where Addy was standing stooped because the ceiling was too low, I could see that they were both bristling at each other. The only part of the conversation I had picked up was Dad shouting, "Never!" I'd supposed Dad was just trying to protect his daughter from this boy who was breaking her heart--I didn't yet know what had happened between them 4 years before. But I should have figured it all out right there and then, all the clues were in front of me. But I didn't, stupid me. But I wasn't thinking very well, raw teen-age emotion probably burns out brain cells. I only had eyes for Addy--and his eyes were so sad and compelling that I ran to him and held him. We hugged as Dad backed out of the room, muttering under his breath. "Jeez, Mel--your hair!" "Women do that when they've lost their man." I could see that hurt him. Good, I thought, then changed my mind, I didn't want to hurt Addy at all. "I'm sorry I can't be everything you want," Adam said, "but I can't stand being nothing for you..." "It's okay, Addy, we'll work it out. I'll become a nun, or something." We kissed and made up. But not a passionate flaming kiss this time, just a brotherly/sisterly kiss. Any other kind would hurt way too much.

Chapter 25

Adam out of Eden