Chapter 24: Melly Tells More
MELLY writes on--
When I went to Indonesia, I was glad to go. Glad to get away from
the memories of where my mom had been, glad to get away from Addy.
I'd had enough of being so dedicated to a...a squatch and then to
be finally turned down when I offered him everything I had. I
needed some distance from all that.
I mean, it wasn't supposed to be like this! We were cosmic mates,
what went wrong? You know it really should have been the other way
around: the utterly desirable and beautiful girl (me) tells the
hopeless oaf (he), "Oh, well, I DO love you, sort of I guess, just
not THAT way, you're more like a...well, a brother to me..." Now
that would have been much more satisfying!
I mean Holy Shit, he's a BIGFOOT, for god's sake--a big hairy ape,
a monster-thing no girl in her right mind could possibly fall for.
Too big, too strong and too too weird. Why shouldn't he have to
settle for some fat ugly girl with pimples and frizzy hair?
There, now I'm warming up to be the bitch I need to be, better that
than feeling sorry for myself because I'm not fat or ugly enough
Dad always said that I was "goofy about Adam" and he was right. I
was like some pre-teen girl who had put all of her feelings into
her horse, or something like that, an animal of great power and
beauty, a sexual proxy for the boy or man they were not yet ready
to feel that kind of emotion for. It was an unrealistic love, a
fantasy. And, my God, wasn't Adam just that? --a fantasy beast, a
fable-troll, the quintessential mythic daemon lover? Hmm, maybe
I'd better check the spelling of "quintessential"...
I mean, why did I love Adam anyway? He was nice, sure; big and
strong, wow; and he DID love me, I knew that much. But why HIM,
why not some cute human guy? We had this "cosmic mate" thing
going on, but with no explanations or reasons. Okay, maybe there
were some reasons, Addy was my chance to be in contact with magic,
someone who was literally from another world, Addy was my ticket
to heaven. But I didn't know that when I was 3 years old, did I?
But one thing I've learned about love affairs since then, is that
they are either about mutual desire...or they are not. On or off,
yes or no, sexual or not, pretty basic, really. Anyway, what I'm
trying to say is that my relationship with Addy JUST WAS.
With every other guy I'd met, that wasn't happening, at least not
for me. Okay, I guess for some of those boys it was, but I just
couldn't get into it, which is why they all finally dropped me.
You know, I'd always thought of myself as a Very Horny Chick. I'd
always wanted to try out some sex and not just with Addy. I
lusted after movies stars, rock stars--boy, did I have a thing for
Justin Timberlake at one time. But when I left Addy behind, I left
all that other desire behind too. It was a relief at first, but
after a while I yearned to feel that way again--but there just
wasn't any guy who generated the spark I needed to get it up
and running. Oh no, so was I frigid now?
By now you must be asking What Is Wrong With This Very Frigid
Horny Chick? I sure was. But then I figured it out, remembering
that it was all because of Addy's pheromones!
Art had warned me, which I had poo-poohed back then, but he'd been
right all along--I'd been drugged by Addy's smell, bombed out by
bigfoot B O, seduced by squatch sex fumes, turned into a pheromone
junkie! No wonder I'd been so horny! And all the time I was just
an innocent victim--that stinking sasquatch had slipped my quim a
mickey! It was all Addy's fault...he just didn't know it.
I went to an international school in Jakarta, a little bit snotty
upper-class, mostly rich kids of foreign executives. But I was
accepted as cool enough because I was daughter of Sally Rathers,
semi-famous Movie Star. It was a pretty good school academically.
There were lots of smart kids, some of them even nice. I got along
There were also lots of good-looking guys, although most of the
girls I knew complained that the guys were more interested in
Indonesian girls than any of them in school. It was easy to see
why, most of the high-class school girls were into status and
looking good. The local girls were into pleasing a man any way
The local girls were very pretty and pretty much available to any
foreign guy, who was automatically rich by their standards. If not
to marry, then just for a little vacation from poverty. I got to
know several of Dad's throw-away girl friends, so I sympathized
Anyway, there were lots of guys after me. Desperate for me, silly
about me. Didn't let it go to my head though, figured it was just
because of my Mom, famous from movies and Playboy and Internet, so
that I was inherently a status score.
Maybe I sound a little negative about life in an International
High School, a little snooty myself, like I thought all the girls
were airheads and all the guys were sexist pigs. Almost guilty,
but there were some good people too. Even some nice boys.
So in Jakarta I flirted with the idea of flirting, was open to
maybe finding a boy friend, maybe even getting laid just to see
what it was like. I was not, I repeat NOT, being faithful to Adam
Leroy Forest, bigfoot boy back in the woods.
He'd disappointed me! He'd rejected me! I'd offered him all of
my goodies and he hadn't accepted my ultimate gift. "I can't",
he'd said. Well fuck you too, Addy...NOT!
So I did flirt, had boy friends, kissed some of them. Broke some
hearts too, I guess, because I was still a virgin when I left
Jakarta. Whenever it got down to let's-do-it time, I always ended
up saying "I can't", just like Addy had said to me. I just didn't
burn to have those boys, don't know why.
I'd been raised liberally by Doug and Sally, so hey, I was a free
thinker. So I'd never been planning anything so bourgeois as
marriage and family-- not until I was really old anyway, 29 or
something. My plan was to play around, experiment, have lots of
lovers, one-night-stands, to be a dangerous woman.
What happened? I get goofy over a squatch. Damn!
We were supposed to live in Jakarta for just one year, but Dad
kept getting his contract renewed, so we stayed on and on. The
truth is, he was keeping me from going back to Adam. I complained
at first, but after a while I didn't really care.
The few times I'd tried to contact Addy it had been more or less
traumatic. I called him once on the phone and we both ended up
crying over our hopeless star-crossed teen-age love, so I wouldn't
phone again until he had called me--which he never did.
But I still couldn't forget him. I sent him some voice-mails, since
he couldn't read a normal e-mail. Addy had never been especially
computer-literate, but I had taught him how to do voice-mails just
so that he could send me some very private messages and I could send
back answers that I'm sure he would have been too shy to let anyone
else hear. But he never sent anything back. Oh, a polite “Merry
Christmas”, crap like that, but nothing I wanted to hear. But
finally, after years, he finally began to send me some interesting
He was telling me he loved me and that he couldn't forget me,
although he never once said those words. I could hear it in his
voice--or so I told myself. But I was pretty lukewarm to him by
then, we hadn't seen each other in a couple of years, Monroe
seemed so far away.
At first his letters weren't especially interesting, I knew that
mine were much better and I could even wonder what I'd ever seen
in him. But then he started to go out into the wilderness looking
for his own sasquatch people, describing for me what he'd seen and
thought and felt--I had to listen to them again and again until
I'd memorized them and then I'd keep on listening just to hear
his sexy voice--I mean that big hairy squatch was a bloody POET
and he was scoring me like none of those boys in the International
High School could ever ever ever could. I fell in love all over
After coming to Jakarta I started to question just why I had been
so totally aroused by Addy--yes, of course I knew that it was
unreasonable to be in love with a Bigfoot! There was that thing
about pheromones, of course: okay, maybe I had been drugged by his
squatch mating smell-spell, or whatever, but once I got away from
it I would come to my senses again, right? But then his voice got
to me on those mails and his words, then Elaine would send some
.JPGs of the whole family and I always drooled over the pictures
of Addy--and cried. At some point you gotta give up and say, "Oh,
I like the whole package--I'll buy it!"
When I turned 16 years old, the trust fund Mom had set up for me
came into effect. The Sally Rathers Estate was worth well over 5
million dollars, movie money you know and my yearly allowance was
suddenly a LOT for a teen-aged kid. Suddenly I was independent
of Dad's money, which he'd rationed up to then. He didn't want me
flying off to Monroe for summer vacations, for example.
About that same time political riots were starting up all over
Indonesia, their economy was so bad by then that the people were
absolutely desperate, ready for any kind of revolution. The mob
went out of control, Suharto's regime lost it and finally fell.
But in the meantime it got totally crazy: shops were trashed and
burned, especially Chinese shops and rich foreigners (like us)
were in danger. It was time to get out of town--and fast.
So we did. I decided to go finish my last year of high school in
Monroe, Washington. Dad was against that plan, forbade it, in
fact. But I had my own money now, so I said I was going anyway,
he could come along--or not. I could always stay with Art and
Elaine. Dad decided to come too.
When I did come back from Indonesia I was kind of scared to meet
Adam again. What if either he or I didn't feel the same anymore?
But no, it wasn't that either, I knew all that teen-age heart-
throb crap just did not apply here. Adam and I were still cosmic
mates, 4 years apart couldn't change that and I knew it.
No, what really scared me was that we WOULD feel that same
unquenchable burning passion. But I had to come back, moth to
And when I came into the house and saw him standing there (like "a
mountain," Dad said, although I know he meant "like a monster"),
that was it: I was where I had to be.
Addy was just so...oh, I don't want to say "so big" or "like
totally humongous"--I mean he was, sure--but it was way more than
that. He stood there like a Giant of Old, a Force of Nature, a
God Incarnate, muscular power just radiating out of him like
sunshine warming my face. I felt tiny. How stupid of me to want
him, he was too much Man/Whatever for any one little woman to have
I had this bizarre flash of being Lois Lane: I mean, what does
that bimbo really have to attract someone like Superman? He's
smarter, stronger, faster, better at anything than anyone. Maybe
she's beautiful, big deal, Superman could get any woman. Why her?
And yet there stood Addy, the big oaf, just as stupid as me, just
as confused and shy, a great big Clark Kent not knowing what to
say or do. Afraid of me, little me. And it was so obvious--written
all over his face, his surrendering posture--that I could crush
him just by not loving him.
And I just had to love him for that.
So I put us right back into our little game, jumped him, climbed
all over him, kissed him properly and insisted that he take us
for a run in the woods. I had to be aggressive and outrageous so
that he could be shy, we both knew our parts, four years of
separation were just warped away and we were US again.
He ran us up to the top of Old Bald Top, flying between the trees
in the dark. And there we sat for a while, just holding each
other, didn't really say much.
"Well, there was that four years," I finally said, just to break
"Yeah," he said. Man of few words.
I was about to challenge him on that, but found I didn't want to
say any words either. I looked at him, he looked at me, mental
conversations zapping between us: You've grown so big, I like it;
you're even prettier than before; I love your big hairy hands, put
them on me; your breasts are bigger; do you want to see them?; I
want to see everything; me too.
We took off our clothes. It was dark by then but he can see in
the dark. I walked around him and turned, posed, let him have a
good look. I wasn't shy, hey, I knew I looked good. He smelled
me and I could see my own famous pheromones hit him. We got even
hornier than we used to do and I won't mince words, I was ready
to make any kind of love with the man I loved, he could just plain
have me then and there.
But he didn't and that was all right too, it was almost too much
for our first twenty minutes together in four years. But it was
him who kept his cool, not me, just like back when we were 13. I
felt a twinge of that old rejection.
I didn't push it though, I mean I wanted to, but was also still
pretty nervous about actually DOING IT with him. He was even
bigger than before, all that Male Meat, his dangerous strength,
not to mention the size of his you-know-what: which I'd last seen
when he was 13 and he'd grown at least a foot since then...uh, UP
that is, not long...well at least I'd hoped not...oh God.
And the worst was that I was still a virgin. Yeah I know, I talk
like a whore: all talk. I remember thinking that I really should
have done us both a favor and gotten myself deflowered--I'd had
plenty of offers--but since there'd never been any other boy I'd
ever wanted the way I wanted Addy, I'd put it off.
So we ran on through the woods again, I rode naked on his furry
back and felt all those muscles pulsing away under me, like riding
a horse, or a dragon, with the sting of leaves and small branches
just kissing my bare skin as we thundered through the dark at
hysterical speed. Sometimes he would leap and we'd be sailing,
flying, falling through blackness and then land smoothly running
and the thunder would continue. And me just hugging my boy friend
tighter and tighter, closer and closer, thrilled, overwhelmed, so
ab-so-fucking-lutely in love.
And the smell of him! I'd forgotten that. He was sweating as he
ran, I buried my nose in the fur of his neck and breathed it in,
got even more turned on, found myself grinding my pussy against
his spine, making that wet spot Dad had accused me of so long
Hmmm, guess I AM getting kind of raunchy now. Well what the hell,
that's the way it was for me. Maybe I'm a pervert. Maybe scratch
The running was just like I'd known it before, no trace of
disappointment there; if anything Addy was stronger, faster, more...
just MORE! This is what I had really dreamed of for four years.
All that time in Indonesia, all the cool adventures I had had on
Bali, in Singapore, with classmates, with boys, always I kept on
missing the running. Missing him. Wishing I was with him instead
of being in Jakarta. Or wishing he was with me on Bali, in Jokja,
at Borobudur. Through all of that I was only half of me!
After our run through the woods Addy and I went back to the house
and the others, Dad and Art and Elaine, I wanted to show up naked
as a declaration of freedom and maybe shock them all a little just
for fun, but Adam insisted that we get dressed for their sakes. And
maybe for our own, since we didn't want any trouble from my Dad.
I've asked Elaine if she'd ever tried it, riding Adam through the
woods. She said No, but looked kind of wistful. I guess maybe it
does seem overtly intimate, not really mother-son behavior. I had
announced that it was "better than sex", but then again, I didn't
really know yet, did I?
We were crazy in love for the first couple of weeks after I got
back to Monroe, days were fun, nights were hot, but still no sex.
I was less intimidated all the time, working myself up to the big
moment. I knew it had to come soon. There was no real hurry, but
soon, gasp, soon.
It gets weird though, pressing and rubbing bodies together with no
sexual release, just more and more tension. I was ready to beg
him again and then it sort of peaked out and I didn't care. If he
wasn't ready, well, that was okay...dork.
It's just that his smell kept turning me on again. Actually, I
could barely smell it after a while, it was very subtle, but kept
on working anyway...or I'm guessing it was the pheromones, it
could also have been just plain being in love. What did I know,
I'd never felt it for anyone else.
Dad moved back into town and insisted that I go with him, said I
couldn't just MOVE IN with Addy, we were only guests in Art and
Elaine's house, not family. Well, I knew that I WAS family, but
for Dad's sake I moved into Monroe with him so that he wouldn't be
all alone. He didn't have all his Indonesian girl friends anymore
and he was remembering Mom again. And it was no secret that he
had a thing for Elaine.
Anyway, I was also pretty stressed out by Adam's reluctance to
take the plunge--into me. I was madly in love, but horny and
frustrated, guess that defines it.
Finally I decided that it simply had to happen, I picked a day. We
had a wonderful time out at the lake, then Adam took me for a run
up over a mountaintop on the way home, dinner with his folks
--Elaine and I made one of my Indonesian recipes, mmm--and then up
to Adam's room to cuddle up with the man I love and listen to Il
Barbiere di Siviglia by Rossini. I mean, this was an APHRODISIAC
I wasn't just aroused, I was decided. Not afraid at all--I didn't
care if it killed me, I was going to end this stalemate and make
our total relationship work. I didn't even care if either of us
came or if there were fireworks, all I really wanted was that
PERVERSE barrier gone from between us. All Adam had to do was just
lie there and let me have him. I'd do everything.
So there he lay on his oversized bed, still dressed in his over-
sized clothes. I took mine off and lay beside him. He put an arm
around me, to cuddle. But I wasn't in a cuddling mood, turned and
started undressing him. He let me, but was still being passive.
Or trying to be, his erection jabbed up hugely when I kissed it.
Then I straddled it. I wasn't going to beg him again, I was just
going to rape him.
I got as far as lowering myself onto it when he stopped me with
his great big hands, folded away and said, "No! We can't, Mel!"
I tried to be patient with the jerk. Rattled off all the logical
justifications I'd been practicing all day. "Sure we can. We're
old enough now. We ARE already lovers, you know. Cosmic Mates,
remember? I'll marry you, if that's what it takes. But it's
TIME, Addy, to consummate our relationship. I insist!"
"We can't. Or rather, I can't."
"Well, you're obviously NOT impotent, I reckon you CAN..."
"It's not that, it's..."
"I shouldn't even be doing THIS with you, it's not fair to either
one of us. But...but I just want you so bad that I can't resist
letting you sleep with me. I really enjoy all our love-play, but
then we get to this point and I have to...fail you."
I took a deep breath. "All right, let's work this out: WHY won't
you fuck me, Addy?"
"Because THAT's exactly what I may not do!"
I was shaking my head, in frustration and irritation now. "Sure
you can. I SAY you may, so it's not rape. And if it's because of
some bullshit sasquatch-human racism, that's up to US and no one
else! There's no reason we can't just make love together right
"There IS a reason! I...I just can't tell you what it is."
I paused, I sighed. "Why not?"
"If I could tell you that, I could tell you everything."
"So...WHEN do you plan on telling me?"
"I don't know if...I ever can."
I was sitting on his hip, he was lying sideways, leg up, twisted
so that his face was hidden down in his pillow.
"Okay," I was really calm now, honest, "change of subject: WHEN do
you think we can finally...you know, solve this problem?"
Addy broke down and began to cry. I mean, really sobbing, really
ruined. Kind of took me by surprise, I thought I was going to be
the one who started crying.
"That bad, eh?" I was sympathetic, but scared. "Are we talking
Later, or...or Never?"
That's when Addy lost it, any restraint he had been saving went
out the window, total full-bore TRAGIC weeping wracked with GRIEF.
That was his answer. So then I had to cry too. We cried together
for a long time.
Then I went to my room and slept alone, or tried to. Finally just
got up and waited until dawn for someone to wake up and drive me
When I got home I cut off all my hair.
Talk about traumatic. We broke up. What a stupid teen-age concept:
as if cosmic mates even COULD break up, but that's how twisted
around we got by this perverse fate that had been dealt us. Addy
wouldn't or couldn't have sex with me and I was hurt, insulted,
pissed off, etc etc. He was just as bad off, sad and wasted. We
might NEVER see each other again. Our life-long relationship was
That lasted about a day. I'd gone home to Dad, Addy came to see
me there. Dad told Addy that I didn't want to see him, but I heard
them talking and came down.
When I came into the living room, where Addy was standing stooped
because the ceiling was too low, I could see that they were both
bristling at each other. The only part of the conversation I had
picked up was Dad shouting, "Never!" I'd supposed Dad was just
trying to protect his daughter from this boy who was breaking her
heart--I didn't yet know what had happened between them 4 years
before. But I should have figured it all out right there and then,
all the clues were in front of me. But I didn't, stupid me.
But I wasn't thinking very well, raw teen-age emotion probably
burns out brain cells. I only had eyes for Addy--and his eyes
were so sad and compelling that I ran to him and held him. We
hugged as Dad backed out of the room, muttering under his breath.
"Jeez, Mel--your hair!"
"Women do that when they've lost their man."
I could see that hurt him. Good, I thought, then changed my mind,
I didn't want to hurt Addy at all.
"I'm sorry I can't be everything you want," Adam said, "but I
can't stand being nothing for you..."
"It's okay, Addy, we'll work it out. I'll become a nun, or
We kissed and made up. But not a passionate flaming kiss this
time, just a brotherly/sisterly kiss. Any other kind would hurt
way too much.