I have to tell about Peter Sinsley. This is not going to be easy
for me, I still feel guilty and ashamed for what happened, as if I
could have prevented the whole mess by-- but no, never mind, let
me tell this in some logical order.
It's all because Addy and I couldn't ever "fuck".
After Addy and I "broke up", then became friends again, I tried to
find out what the problem was, of course. Why we couldn't be
lovers. But I couldn't get through to him, he always got so weird.
That he couldn't "fuck" was the only word Adam used to describe
the problem-- he never said we couldn't "make love" or "have sex"
or "screw". And yet "fuck" was a word he almost never used, his
vocabulary was usually a lot more dignified than that. Which
seemed strange: like he was trying to tell me something by using
exactly that word.
The worst for me was that I was kept ignorant of the worst problem
in Addy's life; I couldn't even discuss it with him. But I kept
working on it.
"I need some clear-cut definition of the situation, Addy. Come
on, help me out here."
"I can't tell you, Mel. Sorry, just can't."
"Look Addy, I'm not completely stupid, I recognize this neurotic-
compulsive behavior, and I'd say it smells like of one of your
damned PROMISES. You haven't really promised that you would NEVER
FUCK a white girl or something?"
Adam gave me a grateful look, for having asked a question that he
could actually answer, like he was trying to give me as many clues
as he could. "No, that's not what I've promised," he said very
"Then is it just...me?"
"Can't answer that."
"God damn, Addy, what IS this? A game?"
"I'm not trying to fool you, Mel-- in fact I really WANT you to
know what's going on. But I'm not at liberty to tell you, directly
or indirectly, so maybe it SHOULD be a game: you have to ask the
questions I CAN answer. But remember, it's my DUTY to maintain
security. It's up to you to outsmart me."
"Oh, god (sigh). Okay, why...?"
"Can't answer Why, wrong kind of question."
"Can you...fuck...any other girl than me?"
"Oh God, Addy, then it's just ME you've PROMISED never to have sex with?"
"Can't answer that."
"Oh shit, it's my DAD, isn't it? HE made you promise not to have
sex with me, didn't he?"
"Can't answer that."
"But...but how could you even DO that, Addy, how could you be that
disloyal to me?"
"Believe me Mell, I have been loyal to you. Please don't judge
me before you know what's going on."
"I know that it couldn't have been Art or Elaine, they wouldn't do
that to us. There's nobody else who would really care if we get
it on--it HAS to be my Dad."
"Can't confirm that."
I challenged Dad when he came home from work that same evening,
pretty much point blank: "Did you make Addy promise never to
have sex with me?"
"What?" He looked really shocked at the question. "Did...did
Adam tell you that I did?"
"Well, no. He won't tell me why, but he can't have sex with me,
and I'm trying to figure out the reason."
Dad got really hot really fast. "Of course he won't have sex
with you! He's got no business even wanting to! And neither do
you, young lady..."
"Oh, stuff it, Dad! Adam is the one guy I love most in the whole
world, you know that, and you can just drop pretending to be
shocked or surprised. We're a couple, we're over the legal limit,
of COURSE we'll want to make love, it's the most natural thing in
"UNNATURAL, you mean, Adam is not even a man..."
"Aw shit, Dad," I felt a shock of realization hit me, "you DID
Dad froze, looked really guilty.
So I accused him even more, "You got him to promise never to fuck me,
didn't you? How...how could you possibly ever DO that to us? To me,
your own daughter?"
I guess I was beginning to sound a bit shrill, heading on out to
Hysterialand. Dad could see that I was about to have a real
conniption fit and he backed off, his hands up in a gesture of
"Uh...no, wait! I really don't know what you're talking about.
Did...did Adam tell you he promised me that?"
"No, but then he's not talking, as you already know."
"Well, I certainly had nothing to do with it. I mean sure, I've
DISCUSSED the moral problem of you two with Adam, but I never..."
"There IS no moral problem between us! Consenting adults, you
know? Oh Dad, I swear, if you DID do this..." me speaking through
"No, Melissa. It wasn't me. Honest. After all, even if I wanted
to-- how could I ever force Adam to make such a promise? Twist his
arm? He's a very big boy!"
I tried to calm down. I wanted to believe him. Hell, I had to
believe him. And it was true that Adam was too big to push around
physically. But something he said bugged me, the part about "big
"I think it happened when he WAS a boy," I realized, "before we
even went to Indonesia. He wouldn't have sex with me then either."
"God damn, Melissa! You were just a child then! Were you really
trying to seduce poor Adam even back then?"
"Lighten up, Dad! If you start moralizing I'm going to start
naming every one of those poor Indonesian girl friends you screwed
over, one after another. I'm still faithful to the ONE GUY I've
ever loved--you have no right..." then I started crying, losing
it, blubbering like a girl or something. I was wrecked.
Dad held me, comforted me, "There there baby," and all that. I was
hanging onto him, weeping on his shoulder.
"Someone has ruined my life with Addy," I told him, "someone has
fixed it so that we can't...can't..." boo hoo hoo "...ever have
a real relationship."
"There there baby..."
"And I was so afraid it was you, Daddy..."
"Oh no, not me. But how do you even know there was somebody else
involved? Maybe Addy promised HIMSELF that, because deep down he
didn't really think it was RIGHT for him to be with a...a human
woman after all."
"But he CAN have any human girl--just not ME! It doesn't make
sense. He LOVES me!"
"I know he does, Melly, but maybe that's why: to protect you from
"No no no, Addy wouldn't do that to me, he would never be that
disloyal..." off on another crying binge, sob sob, cradled in my
dear daddy's arms "...we're MATES!"
"Listen Melly, you and Adam are not mates. Mates are a male and
female of the same species who pair for breeding, and you can
never have children with Adam--you're not mates and never can be.
I know this is hard for you right now, but it's for the best,
"Oh Daddy, you don't understand!"
"Oh yes I do, baby, yes I do."
So we went back to high school, Addy and I, without ever resolving
the problem. We tried to just be friends, but that wasn't easy,
not for me. We put on a show of being like brother and sister,
and as far as anyone at Monroe High knew, that's all we were. I
confided in no one but Art and Elaine about us. Not even my best
friend Lissandra, although she couldn't help suspecting something.
As far as anyone at school knew, I was unattached. So boys kept
on asking me out. I turned them down at first, still hoping Addy
and I could be a couple, but that was pretty frustrating, an
After graduation Addy and I continued on to study Anthropology
together at the University of Washington. We’d been planning that
for years and saw no reason to drop that, we were still a team.
After all, I still loved him more than any other guy, even if our
sex-life was wretched. But unlike in High School, where a certain
parentally-controlled celibacy prevails, college students were
getting it on! Experimentation with sex was going on all around,
it seemed that everyone but us was getting laid!
I felt cheated; I had NEVER planned to be a 20 year-old virgin Co-ed!
Finally I burned out and decided to do something about it and started
going out on dates. If nothing else, just for fun. Addy got a little
upset, but maybe that's what I wanted too.
And I did have fun, I wasn't in love with any of the boys, but they
were nice enough. I went to restaurants, dances, movies, concerts,
all those things I never did with Addy. I don't think I was using
those boys, I actually liked them, and was potentially open to
getting myself deflowered someday if one of them could just excite
me that way— it had to happen sometime anyway, even if Addy wasn't up
to it and maybe never would be.
But just like in Jakarta, there wasn't any guy I really wanted bad
enough. I don't think of myself as puritanical--I mean, how could
I?--but there was a minimum standard of lust I wanted to feel to
GET deflowered. And all that time I was really only interested in
doing it so that I could take Addy on if he should ever finally
come through. Pretty pathetic, huh?
It’s hard to believe, but we went on like that for almost two years!
Until Peter Sinsley came along.
I met Peter through Lissandra, who had dated him for a little while
back in high school. Liss and I hadn’t been seeing so much of each
other since I was going to the UW in Seattle and she had a job in
Monroe. She’d been inspired by my tales of high-adventure in
Indonesia and was trying to save up money to travel, but the
saving-up was not going so well because she was sharing an apartment
with Susie Lipsinger and they were having a little bit too much fun
every night, parties and lots of guys. So we were living drastically
different lives just then.
But I’d met her at Pelosa’s Restaurant just to keep in touch and we
were walking back to our cars when the flashiest red Corvette
Stingray stopped in the roadway beside us and revved up the motor.
"Hi girls, wanna go for a ride?" The top was down, and he sat in
plain view, this...well, this incredibly good-looking guy, kind of
rugged and windblown and very very sexy.
"Oh no, it's Peter," Liss said, "pretend you don't see him."
"How am I going to pretend I don't see a red Corvette revving and
roaring right beside me?" In other words, I was interested. "You
"Sure, so do you: it's Peter Sinsley."
Then I recognized him. And remembered him as the bully who had picked
on Addy way back in grade school, the son of the man who had shot down
Addy's biological sasquatch mother, the jerk I had shouted at and
cursed when we were all kids. All grown up now.
I looked away, just like Liss, but it was too late. He sprang out
of the car and came over to us.
"Hi Lissy," he said, "who's your friend?"
I looked back at him and saw that he was looking at me, not her.
I mean, REALLY looking at me. It was so obvious that he was
smitten, blown away, head-over-heels, knocked out, already crazy
infatuated with me, had to have me, simple as that. Kind of cool,
But wait! This was Peter Sinsley: bully, asshole, rat, enemy. So
I pretended I didn't really notice that his tongue was hanging out
or anything. Still, I did sort of notice that he was tall and
muscular, with long wavy brown hair blown back from riding in the
wind, 2-days beard stubble but clean, wearing a lumberjack shirt
and tight blue jeans, really cute smile. So I couldn't help
feeling just a little bit intrigued and flattered by his
reaction to me.
"I'm Melly Wielson, Peter," I said, offering to shake his hand,
not waiting for Liss to introduce us, "remember me--your old
"Holy shit, Melly! NICE to see you again! And boy, do I mean
that." He shook my hand quite nicely, then lifted it and kissed it
delicately, and held on to it.
"Stop drooling, Peter," Liss commanded, "down boy! Down!"
Peter laughed. "Am I that obvious? Yeah well, okay: Melly, will
you marry me, have my babies, fuck my brains out?"
Liss rolled her eyes, but I had to laugh. "Aren't we supposed to
be at least friends before all that?"
"You're right, you're right! Okay, I hereby abjectly apologize for
whatever it was I did when I was a stupid kid. I promise I'll be
a good boy now and I'll do ANYTHING to make it all up to you."
He dropped to one knee right there on the sidewalk.
"God Peter, not laying it on thick or anything?" Liss seemed irritated
by him, not friendly at all.
Actually, the look he gave her was cold as well. "Just kidding
around, Liss--you're looking damn good too, by the way. Can I
interest you girls in a ménage a trois or something?"
"Yeah, right, just what we need: a good fucking over."
"You used to eat it up."
She just looked away, "Let's go, Melly."
So we left him, I nodded goodbye and he nodded at me with lust
burning in his eyes. A minute later we could hear his Corvette
rumble and roar and peel on out of town, tires burning blue smoke.
"Ex boy friend?" I asked.
"You could tell?" Liss joked, "Last year's stud, this year's dud."
"It ended bad?"
"Never really got started. Peter uses girls up real fast, he's an
oversexed troublemaker. Kind of wild, lots of fun but a little
crazy and sometimes not fun at all."
"Oversexed, you say?"
Liss gave me a look. "Yeah. And it sure looks like you are
next on his list, but I wouldn't recommend it. Unless you just
want to get laid with no strings attached...then he's great."
"Hmmm," I said.
That same evening Peter called me at home.
"Oh yeah, hi...uh...how did you get my number?" I asked.
"I haff my vays, and besides there's only one Wielson family in
the Monroe telephone book. Elementary, my dear Wielson."
"Oh yeah. Well, so, what's up?"
"Come out for a ride with me in my beautiful machine."
"Oh, your Corvette? Me? Now?"
"Mmm yeah, that was the idea. Unless you've got a boyfriend there
with you now..."
"Oh...no, not right now."
"So, do you have a boy friend at all?"
"Well, um....I'm not really sure these days."
"That's good enough for me, come on. I'll pick you up in 15
"Wow, you work fast, don't you?"
"Let me tell it like it is, Melly. I saw you and ka-pow, I'm in
love! I'm not kidding. Come out with me tonight, I HAVE to have
"Uh, yeah, I could sorta tell," I had to laugh at how outrageous
he was. I suppose I should have been offended, but he was so far
beyond improper that it was funny. And he was just warming up.
"Come on, we'll have a good time. And I'll fuck you like you've
never been fucked, all night long, I promise."
"Uhhh, well, hang on guy, this is a weee too fast for me..."
"None of your business!"
"Oh shit, you ARE a virgin! Damn! Look, we've gotta do something
about that! Before it's too late."
"It IS too late, good night, Peter," I said, laughed and hung up.
Just to be in control, not be bulldozed. I needed a little time
to think about this development. Besides, I knew he'd call again.
But boy, I tingled all over my body. If I was ever going to
get deflowered, this might be the way to go.