Chapter Seventy Three :     NEW YORK, New York

Chrome Squatch Concert Tour USA


ART reporting events of June 10 --15

Way over here on the Western side of the USA, those of us back in the Hacienda had been avidly following the daily reports from our friends on tour. We were occupied with our own usual duties: the language school, running the farm, dealing with legal problems of the Nokhon Nation Project, but wishing we could take a little vacation and join the band on their adventures. Just for a while, you know, if only for a week-end. Well, Elaine and I had, in fact, resolved to do exactly that when the tour came to New York City. Adam had been invited to be celebrity-host on Saturday Evening Live, the comedy TV show, and we wanted to be there for that.

Doug wanted to go too but somebody had to stay behind and take care of business, him being especially busy with the latest onslaught of legal chicanery from Holtz Lumber. Besides, we couldn't just let the Nokhons run the show while we were gone, although Dabronat and Malasna do seem competent enough, since in case of any emergency the only person remaining who speaks fluent English would be Roberto, our 12-year old Mexican guest.

Roberto wanted to go too, of course, and we'd have been glad to take him along, but who knows what nasty trick his evil drug lord father would pull if he found out his son was wandering around in NYC, far from the protection of the Hacienda and a Washington State court order granting him asylum. We'd only be making him available to be kidnapped by the cartel, or even legal procedures to deport him back to Mexico. We couldn't take the chance. He was disappointed, but understood the situation.

It had only been a month since we'd last seen the kids (except for Pokey and Maki a couple of weeks back), but Elaine tends to miss them on a daily basis so she was especially eager to be rejoining her hairy little boy for an adventure in NYC.

Although that did open a philosophical can of worms: as representatives of the Nokhon Nation Project who advocate conscientious travel, protecting the environment with a zero carbon footprint, we had to consider how we could legitimately fly across the USA and back without being hypocrites. Remembering the sixteen year-old environmental activist Greta Thunberg, who hitchhiked rides to and from Europe and USA on sailboats rather than compromise by taking an airplane, we should be just as uncompromising.

But once all the mathematics were considered, it was still more energy efficient for us to spend three hours flying standby than spending 2-3 days driving a car or taking a train, since that airplane was going to fly anyway whether we were on it or not. So we took the redeye, flying Delta out of SEATAC at 10:55 pm and arriving at JFK 7:09 Wednesday morning.

That put us a few hours ahead of Adam & Friends driving in from Boston, so they would not be picking us up. We took an airport taxi into Manhattan. Neither Elaine nor I had ever been to New York City before, but of course, everybody knows that city vicariously, so there were very few actual surprises for any of us and it was quite easy to find our way around.

We had reservations at the same hotel the kids would be staying in, right in the middle of town, so we checked in and had a few hours to act like gawking tourists. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, the sky was blue. The short walk up 5th Avenue to Central Park was fun, from where the Himalaya vista of skyscrapers was amazing.

It had been arranged that the convoy should arrive about noon, which they did after their 3½ hour drive from Boston. We got back just in time to see them arrive. It was impressive: twenty mostly-young and somewhat beautiful people piled out of three busses and a semi. Three sasquatches among them, also young and beautiful. Elaine got to hug her fuzzy little boy-- actually she hugged everyone else too, all twenty of them. Me too, everyone was just so happy to be there. I personally always enjoy sharing hugs with Lissandra and Melly. Not that I'd missed them so much in that month, it's just that they are both such nice girls to squeeze.

I'd met all of the Chrome Pie musicians a few times, but the roadies were new to me, so I had to make a round getting introduced, shaking hands, trading a few words. The only other guy near my own age, or maybe even older, was the road manager Ewan Shandler: a big tough-looking Aussie; bulging muscles, lots of tattoos; rings in ears and nose; long hair, I was reminded that Lissandra had described him as a "Crocodile Dundee type" and had to agree. He was rather intimidating, or at least until he stood beside Adam or Magga. Anyway, he seems to be good at his job, managing the tour and the roadies.

It's still somewhat special to meet the Chrome Pie guys; I'd been fans of their music for the last 6-7 years and now suddenly they're all just part of the family. Scott and Charlie are easiest to relate to, they're mature enough to relax about their fame and be regular guys. Benny Joe, however, is always promoting himself and while that can be amusing for a while, it's pretty hard to get into an actual conversation with him. Lee doesn't seem to have time for anyone except for his girlfriend Bunny -- I could excuse that by mentioning that he's only 22 years old, but then that's the same as Adam, whom I consider a bona fide grown-up.

The six roadies were a hodge-podge of types and ages, everybody friendly and maybe even interesting. They had their own jargon and seemed to be a cohesive group that had honed their routines together. Two techie experts, one black one white: Gene; computer graphics, Don; sound man. Two female roadies, polar opposites: Sunny, all-purpose, cute and sweet; Marcie, truck driver, tough and manly. Freddy, stage lights, Osmond, security. They all appear to get along and were friendly to us.

It seems that the tour's stop in New York was different than everywhere else they had been on this trip. That's why parking and hotel near Central Park for six overnights had been prearranged. While campground living had been considered just fine for most of the tour, almost everyone involved insisted upon staying in a hotel while in New York City, instead of in the busses. This had a lot to do with rock-tour tradition-- actually, what all the musicians and roadies really wanted was to stay in the infamous Chelsea Hotel, like any authentic rock and roll legend should, (Stones; Warhol; both Dylans-- Thomas & Bob; Janis Joplin giving Leonard Cohen that made-famous blowjob) but the Chelsea Hotel had been sold and was being reincarnated as a high-priced luxury apartment building. So the tour had to settle for Big Apple Hotel, which was cheap, amusingly sleazy, and had a parking lot that could contain the convoy.

Everybody knows New York to some degree, having seen it in movies and TV, so everyone had each their own plans for being there, considering it the high point of the tour. They would be spending most of a week in the area, intending to perform two concerts at Radio City Music Hall, Thursday and Friday evenings, otherwise most of them were free to be tourists. Adam had less free time, having been scheduled for several television appearances while he was here, some arranged months before the tour had even begun.

They were busy immediately upon arrival: the first afternoon in New York City was spent on interviews and meetings, mostly taking place in the various TV and radio studios located in the 30 Rockefeller Center building, which was convenient for everyone involved. Photo ops, podcast interviews, newspaper press meetings, one had only to take the elevator to get to the various studios. Already that first evening Adam and Scott were scheduled to be guests together on a late night talk show to promote the next two day's concerts being held at Radio City Music Hall, also located just beside Rockefeller Plaza, all so very handy.

But before that Adam managed to squeeze in a brief meeting with the Saturday Evening Live creative crew to discuss sketches and rehearsals for his live appearance on their show. Then a quick personal visit to the Radio City Music Hall to let them know the Chrome Squatch Tour was in NYC, right next door, and would be on time tomorrow, so not to worry.


The Nite Show with Jimmy Stephan is just what it sounds like: a New York late-night talk-show, taped at 8:00 Wednesday evening, to be broadcast at midnight. Adam and Scott were guests together as representatives of their collective bands. Neither of them had met their host before, which is standard practice to generate an actual "first meeting" on TV, so that no one has to fake it. Host and guest meet and they wing it. But Jimmy Stephan was not prepared to be meeting a real live Bigfoot in person. He introduced his guests, who were hidden behind the stage curtains and politely went several steps to meet them as they came out onstage to join him. Scott Richter came out first and they shook hands, Adam trailing behind. But when Jimmy saw Adam reaching for his hand he almost jumped backwards. Jimmy Stephen is an elegant man, dapper and cultured, but only about 5'7 tall and slender; so when he suddenly faced Adam at 8'3" and 535 pounds, he froze, looking like a scared little kid. A potentially embarrassing scene in front of millions of TV viewers.

Luckily, Adam went for the laugh; whipped off his jacket so that his hairy torso, bulging with magnificent muscles, was suddenly revealed, and spread his arms to play the part of a wild Bigfoot from the woods, punctuated by a monster roar. It was a shocking scene, there were gasps from the audience, and everyone froze. Then Jimmy Stephan, a professional entertainer and a clever man, segued into the joke and threw his own arms wide as if in panic and they both stood in each their pose to prolong the moment. Until it became absurd and the audience began to laugh. Then Jimmy Stephan managed to smile and bravely offer his tiny hand to shake Adam's huge mitt. It was a good save.

Once behind the safety of his desk Jimmy Stephan went with the moment and admitted that he had been astounded by the sheer size and overwhelming presence of an actual Sasquatch even though he'd known all about Adam Leroy Forest. He'd watched the Baby Bigfoot grow up on TV, just like all Americans, but TV had not prepared him for the absolute reality of a personal close-up. Adam admitted that he was slightly bigger than most Nokhon males, although some few of them were even larger. "You must feel like you're surrounded by pygmies," Jimmy Stephan said. "Yes, and hairless, like Chihuahuas," Adam answered, "but pygmies can be nice people too."

Scott sat on the guest sofa and Adam squatted beside him to minimize their differences in height, so that his head wouldn't be out of the TV frame. They talked small talk for about five minutes, told some band-on-tour anecdotes, said what they needed to say so that the Big Apple was aware of Chrome Squatch Tour's two coming concerts in Radio City Music Hall (mentioning that the Thursday concert was not quite sold out yet). Adam also squeezed in a plug for the Nokhon Nation Project, then it was time for the next guest and they were dismissed.


Rather than going out on the town afterwards, most of the musicians and road crew were happy to hang out in the hotel for once, since it was so rare for them not to be camping in the busses on the outskirts of whichever town they were visiting at the moment. We wanted to hang out with the band and get to know them better.

It felt like we were all "living" in New York, a panorama of which we could see out the window. Some of them did go out to pick up some pizza and beer, but came back "home" to eat and drink together in an upstairs salon at our disposal, rather than being confined to our individual hotel rooms. Forages to the streets outside were to "check out our new neighborhood". Another reason to stay home was that groupies were already showing up at the hotel reception, even though there had been no concert yet; the TV spot, billboards and interviews had already attracted some hard-core fans, to the delight of Chrome Pie and roadies.

As for our squatches, Adam and Magga preferred to sleep in their bus, rather than deal with tiny beds and feeble chairs and low ceilings. Masnia could just fit into a human bed so she got a room just for the fun of it, sharing with Sunny. Melly and Lissandra also shared a hotel room and Mike had a room to himself next door, but nobody was locked in, so there was traffic in every direction, also out to the busses, just for the fun of it. And once those groupies showed up, everyone seemed to be having fun.

Elaine and I tried not to be "the old fogies" but most of the gang was younger than us, so we could easily have felt in the way. Which should not become a problem because after the first evening of "hanging out" in the hotel, we too planned to go out and explore the streets of New York.

Thursday, June 11

A very busy day. By 8:00 in the morning Masnia and Magga were already on another nation-wide television program, The Emma Show, being interviewed without Adam to translate, because their host, Emma deNessa, hoped to display them as strong and independent women from another culture. So it just wouldn't do to have a male along to hold their hands. Besides, Masnia's English is actually superb, so she could translate any phrases Magga might have trouble with. Fortunately, neither of them were worried about sounding like idiots since they knew that no Nokhons would ever see the show.

They were asked their opinions of Western Civilization and were glad to tell both pro and con, having some alien/interesting perceptions about this modern world around them. Masnia was better at formulating abstract concepts, of course, but with the aid of occasional translations, Magga proved to be the more mature, the more critical thinker, coming across as a wise native lady. They also looked good onscreen, both exotically beautiful and physically impressive. Both were wearing white sleeveless dresses, unashamed to reveal their furry but neatly trimmed and muscular arms, both looking incredibly fit. For many Americans, this may have been their first close-up television interview of Nokon Females come from out of the woods and they made a positive impression.

Adam and Melly, meanwhile, were on yet another early-bird TV show, Good Morning USA, where they interviewed by an insanely jolly man-& woman commentator team. They were met with pictures from their early years, growing up together. They were applauded for forming a successful rock band and then taking responsibility for the rather political Nokhon Nation Project. Of course they were asked about their personal relationship-- were they a couple or not?-- but were fielded off with their standard non-answer: "Oh, we never answer that question; it's more fun to keep everybody guessing". Although Adam did mention that "Besides, some red-blooded Americans are still not ready for us to be a couple".

They had a couple of hours before the next duty, so we and all the S&F gang took a walk together over to Midtown Manhattan. To West 42nd Street and Times Square, to the middle of all the absurd traffic and fun chaos, three squatches causing even more chaos by simply walking along the sidewalk. But it was all right: most people knew exactly who we were and were quite friendly, also S&F fans who wanted to walk along. There was no trouble, only smiles and greetings.

Although none of us had ever physically been in NYC before, we each got all thrilled and excited and had to point out the famous places and buildings to Magga and Masnia-- Times Square, the Empire State Building, Grand Central Terminal, Bryant Park and the NYC Public Library, all made famous in a million movies-- but none of which meant anything to the two Nokhon princesses.

But Adam didn't have a lot of free time. He had a noon appointment with the Saturday Evening Live people, which he had been looking forward to for months, since it had always been one of his favorite TV shows. He'd briefly met them the day before, but had actually been in touch with the writers and producers several times via Skype, so they were not starting from scratch. He'd been invited to be their guest-host for this week, thus would deliver the traditional celebrity monologue, for which he did have some ideas. One plan was for the rest of the S&F band to be scattered around the studio for a questions-from-the-audience gag, so that they all got to be in on the fun. Today he met with the writers in person for five hours, intending to generate an entertaining show together. They already knew that he was himself a fan of the show and was familiar with the kind of humor SEL was known to serve up: satire, parody, etc. Although Adam had never been considered a comedian, he was known to have a good sense of humor and everyone was confident that he could be funny with the right material.

When the writers actually met Adam and suddenly realized how amazingly big and hairy he was in reality, they quickly started making "King Kong in NYC" jokes. Adam humored them, but was not interested in playing the part of a gorilla, while they were enthusiastic about him climbing the Empire State Building and swatting tiny fighter planes out of the sky. Adam smoothly answered, "Naw, but I could just shake the building a little..."

But his time was limited, the first Radio City concert was held at 8:00 in the evening and the band needed two hours to set up. Very convenient that it was right next door. Scott and Ewan showed up early and made certain everything was ready for Adam to arrive at the last minute.

Concert: RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL
8:00 pm Thursday, June 11

The Radio City Music Hall seats 6000, so it was slightly larger than the standard venues the Tour had been performing at, but it seemed just right for The Big Apple, where everything felt bigger and more important. Both evening's concerts had been sold out, so this was a good money-maker for the Tour. Adam had voiced some scruples about the high price of tickets, but the audience had not: they just went ahead and bought them. In fact, there was a request for a third concert, which it seemed, could also sell out, but they could not schedule a show on Saturday because of their commitment to the Saturday Evening Live TV broadcast. Also because Radio City already had another show scheduled; a country-western Hee-Haw. Their only option was to do two concerts on Friday, which would have to be decided upon by the end of this evening's show.

The concert went smoothly, the audience was ideal, singing along with many songs, even the newest, which had only been heard or seen on amateur YouTube videos, since there do not exist any official studio recordings of them yet. Such as Charlie's new song about "Anne", written at Indianapolis. (There was a nicely positive crowd reaction when it was revealed that Anne herself was sitting in the audience, along with her daughter Holly: Charlie had invited them to New York; as he also had his own 11-year-old son Willi, who sat beside them.) "The Princess of Mushrooms" was delivered by the whole doubled-up-band, instead of as Adam and Miguel's private duet, making it very powerful. The entire concert was high-octane, as was the rapport with the audience.

For Elaine and myself, having heard the kids rehearsing their music so many times, as well as having been to some of their official concerts, like at the Rose Bowl earlier this year, you'd think we'd become blasé about the show, but we were impressed by how much it had grown, how much more energy was being generated. The difference between their original little 4-man band and this 9-man orchestra, with dancers and background chorus was phenomenal. Everyone on stage was performing at the hysteria-level and the audience was right there with them. Including us. Even before the concert ended it was agreed to do two concerts on Friday, informing the various agents that they could make tickets available at once. It was a heavy work load for everyone involved but the money was too good to pass up, considering the expenses of all us people spending a week in an uptown hotel.

Friday, June 12

Another busy day. Two concerts planned, the newly added performance at 5:00 pm, the original at 8:00 pm, allowing them an hour between shows. Rehearsals for Saturday Evening Live were rescheduled to noon on Saturday, assuming there would be enough time before the live rehearsal at 8:00 that evening and the eventual final taping at 11:30 pm. The writers and producers had been impressed by Adam's ability for remembering the spoken word. So everyone had a morning free. We walked to Central Park, where we once again "oo"ed and "ahh"ed the skyscraper mountain range surrounding us, a vista one cannot see while walking up and down the city streets, since all those big buildings are in the way. Even the Nokhon girls were impressed by the skyline, although they enjoyed the nature of the park itself even more. Upon leaving the park the City Chamber of Commerce invited us all for lunch at a Jewish deli, where the meat eaters were served pastrami on rye and sauerkraut & sausage sandwiches and the vegetarians got cream cheese on bagels. A local pub came over to us with free beer. Further along at another shop we were offered deluxe cheesecake, which even Magga (our fussiest eater) absolutely loved.

The band had to be at Radio City by 4:00 pm, for the concert at 5:00. Handily, everything was still set up from the night before. Once again everything went smoothly. For them, it was a pleasure to play earlier than usual, everyone was happy, feeling fresh, seemed to make a difference, they even threw in two extra songs. One was the Beatles' "All You Need Is Love" after Charlie had done his "Anne" song. She and Holly weren't in the audience this time-- no empty seats --but backstage with us, so they got to go onstage and wave to the audience.

They had a little under an hour before the next concert, just enough time to eat and drink something. Benny Joe and Osmond might have quickly gulped a few too many beers, but everyone else paced themselves for another two hours to go before quitting time

So the next show should have also gone smoothly; they had effectively put in an extra 2-hour rehearsal of exactly the same set of songs. But it was an entirely different audience they were playing to: the 5 o'clock crowd had been grateful that an extra concert was arranged just for them, they'd almost been disappointed by tickets being sold out but had been given another chance in the last minute. So they were quite happy. The 8 o'clock audience seemed much more critical of the show, as if they'd been cheated because this Friday's ration of talent and energy had been spread too thin. Maybe it had, but the band couldn't hear it. Even Benny Joe was playing spot on. It wasn't subtle, people were grumbling about something.

So to break the routine, in the middle of the concert Adam began telling a story:

"Tomorrow night I'm going on Saturday Evening Live"; you know, the TV comedy show. It'll be my first time and I've been looking forward to this since last year, when the producers invited me. I grew up watching SEN almost every Saturday night, so I've followed the careers of comedians like John Malushi and Dan Takeroyd. My parents, Art and Elaine, had always been fans and they encouraged me to see it because they thought it would give me a usable perspective to this new American culture I had been adopted into. Of course, they had to explain to me why this stuff was funny, what humor was, define satire and sarcasm, since I was from a completely alien culture. The Nokhontli don't have TV, by the way. Actually, I could barely remember anything about my earlier life among the Bigfoot peoples, although it is guessed that I was about 2 years old when I suddenly became an American. But since then TV has been a part of my life."

"And tomorrow night I'll be performing on one of my favorite comedy shows-- but I don't feel ready: actually, I'm kinda scared. We haven't written a usable script yet, have to do that tomorrow-- can't do it tonight since I'm kinda tied up here, doing my part for this concert. But it occurs to me that I am presently in touch with an enormous intelligence and creative potential especially well-versed in the culture of New York: you guys."

The audience responded to this personalization of their proximity to the band, there was some excitement about being behind-the-scenes. They were no longer being observers, but participants.

"So when this concert is over, in an hour or so," Adam went on, "I am inviting anyone with a funny idea to meet me here and we'll talk it over. I need a monologue and four quick sketches. If you can help me you'll get to see it on TV tomorrow night. I'm not offering money, but I'll definitely give you a plug, naming you in the credits."

Although most of the audience went home at 10 o'clock, satisfied with the concert and glad to have been there, about 50 fans stayed after the show to discuss funny ideas with Adam. Free drinks were offered and accepted. It was midnight before the party ended.

Saturday, June 13

For Adam, the SEL rehearsals took up all of Saturday. starting with an early meeting, 10:00 am, which has to be ungodly early for TV folk who are used to a daily routine of working late into the night. Adam did have a list of the ideas he had been given after last night's concert, but the producers were ruthlessly critical, also of their own ideas. There had been more sketches rejected than decided upon, so rehearsals were frustrating. The problem was being funny-- there was little agreement that the material they had come up with was funny enough for SEL, especially considering what a potentially interesting character Adam is.

In discussions to generate comedy skits, the writers had been perversely interested in Adam's sex life-- Melly or Lissandra? Masnia or Magga? Anyone else? His history with the tabloids intrigued them, how the National Inquisitor had hounded Adam and Melly since childhood, making up erotic scandals that got themselves sued a few times. But Adam had never once admitted nor denied anything, so it was an ongoing game with a certain amusement value.

Naturally, Adam was averse to that subject because it was too near the truth. The incessant speculations about Adam's relationship with Melly had been basically accurate. Scandal magazines had created fictions about them being sex buddies long before they ever actually consummated their partnership, but those lies had by now become fact. And when Lissandra joined the band, she was automatically put into the mix, just for the "threesome" thrill. The idea of a Bigfoot having a sexual relationship with any white girl may have been unacceptable to some racists, but the scandal magazines loved the idea. And so did Saturday Evening Live's writing staff.

But as the jokes started to come, some of them were pretty funny and finally Adam agreed to go with the concept: it would be a sweet revenge to ridicule the scandal media for generating lies to make money, with little regard to the damage they caused in people's lives. It was a bold approach, since many of those lies described the very truths they needed to keep secret.

Back when Masnia and Magga showed up the tabloids went after them too, even though the scandal factor was much less interesting since they were Adam's own species. Magga was deemed the most logical girlfriend, although Masnia was considered the most adorable. Oddly, no one had ever thought to officially question Masnia's legal age, generally considered to be 19, which was regarded as uninteresting because Adam was himself only two years older. Actually, the media might have generated a juicy new disgrace had anyone chosen to pursue just how old Masnia actually was, since no one really knew. You have to remember that the lumber companies are desperate for any semi-legal or quasi-moral technicality they can use to destroy Adam. But never once has any article or opinion ever suggested that Masnia might be under Washington State's age of consent, 16 years old (who knows?). Nor has Adam ever once been accused of regularly bonking all four girls, evidently considered too absurd, even for the usually perverse National Inquisitor.

Sunday, June 14

A whole free day, no concerts, no TV spots, no interviews. This was our big Tourist in NYC day. The gang broke up into various parts, the Chrome Pie guys went north, and the roadies went south. Elaine and I went with Adam and the kids to do the most clichéd tourist stuff: Staten Island Ferry, Statue of Liberty, Washington Square. Found ourselves in Central Park once again, where there are so many street singers, jugglers, magic shows. Squatch & Friends were constantly recognized and asked to perform, but they had the excuse of being without instruments so were eventually left in peace to wander around like everybody else.

Monday, June 15

The band climbed back up into their three busses and one semi and drove off for their next concert in Atlantic City, We went out to JFK Airport to fly back home to La Hacienda and back to work. NYC had been a great experience and a fun little vacation.







Chapter 74

Adam Into Babylon