Chapter Seventy Four :     Saturday Evening Live

It starts like always: with a camera swerving around past the big clock, the band playing and this week's guest host coming out the door to greet the public. Only this time it's ADAM and he's a head taller and a foot wider than the doorway, so he has to bend over and squeeze-wiggle through the inadequate doorway. Once free, he hops the entire stairway with one stride, obviously full of energy. He's wearing his smooth-fitting white suit with bare chest so that he looks like what he is: a hairy but civilized Bigfoot. A narrator cries out: "Ladies and gentlemen: Adam Leroy Forest!"

(Massive applause. Camera catches Adam from the side)

ADAM: Thank you all, wow it is so crazy to be here hosting SEL.... I know, that's the same clichéd intro everyone uses, but it really IS pretty fantastic to be here in this city, doing this show, I feel quite humble...

..humble because Saturday Evening Live is supposed to be a comedy show and I'm not really a comedian, per se. I mean, I suppose I AM an entertainer of sorts-- musician, singer-songwriter, a talking Bigfoot and all that, but I've never really been considered FUNNY.

Lucky for me the staff here at SEL has joke writers and they wrote some for me. Wanna hear one? What do you call a fly with no wings? A crawl! See, those guys are pros.
(joke bombs, he shrugs)

Q1: Hey, Adam, how about some questions from the audience?

ADAM: Are they funny questions?

Q1: As funny as that joke.

ADAM: Sure, go ahead.

Q1: A lot of us have been wondering: you have all those beautiful girls in your band, which one of them is your girl friend?

ADAM: Well, I'm friends with them all, of course.

Q1: Come on, you know what I mean. Is it Melly or Magga?

ADAM: Hey, I recognize you: you're a journalist for the National Identifier? And you there, from the Daily Bleat. You guys know I never answer questions about my love life.

Q2: Or Masnia or Lissandra?

ADAM: What makes you think I even have a girl friend?

Q1: Oh, you're gay, then?

ADAM: Well, actually...no. But I AM a student of the shamanistic Nokhon culture and celibacy COULD be a religious requirement of that discipline. I mean, really, who knows?

Q2: Celibacy, really?

ADAM: Yeah, you know, like Catholic priesthood.

Q:1 And is it? Required, for you, I mean?

ADAM: Could be.

Q: You won't answer the question?

ADAM: Look, this is a comedy show so I'm teasing you just for fun. But you're asking me to make a statement that could result in all sorts of heavy sh(bleep)it. The unfunny truth is that we still get hate-mail all the time from the KKK and other White Supremacist groups warning us that any impropriety between myself-- a dirty bigfoot-- and any semi-innocent young human maidens shall be punished by death. Kind of takes the fun out of it.

Q2: But you don't really deny it.

ADAM: No, of course not, let them wonder: I mean fu(bleep)ck 'em. (steps back, waves goodbye) Anyway, we got a great show for you tonight: musical guests, S&F, Chrome Pie.

(Backstage, MELLY & LISSANDRA awaiting him)

MELLY: Oh, Addy, are those scandal-rag journalists still after us?

LISSANDRA: You didn't tell them The Truth, did you?

ADAM: I didn't tell them anything, true or false.

MELLY: Right, because you cannot tell a lie.

ADAM: Oh, I wish I could lie, that'd throw them off the track. I can see the National Identifier's headline: Extra! Extra! Bigfoot Does Not Exist!

LISSANDRA: Well, I'm afraid the cat's already out of the bag on that one; you being here, and all.

MASNIA: (joining them, kisses ADAM, and then the girls, lasciviously) How come we don't just admit to everybody that we are ALL your lovers?

ADAM: Because many people just can't accept another moral viewpoint than the one they grew up with.

LISSANDRA: Rilly. They'd get jealous. I mean, who wouldn't want a harem of chicks like US?

MAGGA: (joins them, kisses them all, even more lasciviously) Yah, me love us all long time. Go boom boom now?

ADAM: Not right now, Magga. Boom boom later. But the main thing is, those scandal rags are always so close to the truth that if they ever get any kind of confirmation all the other secrets might fall into place.

LISSANDRA: Rilly. It might not be so good if they ever learn that we have wild & crazy Bigfoot sex orgies every full moon...

MELLY: ...powered by the most powerful natural aphrodisiac in the world, of which we have an unlimited supply...

ADAM: We also can't let anyone to find out about the secret Sasquatch city, hidden in the Cascade Mountains...

MELLY: ...or the antediluvian underground tunnel network stretching from Shamballah in the Himalayas all the way to here in New York City, just behind Pepe's Pizza ...

MASNIA: ...or our historical connection to lost Atlantis or the Fallen Empire of Mu...

ADAM: ...or the actual purpose of all those ancient Pyramids scattered around the world... or what we just happen to know about the secrets of the Illuminati.....or about our UFO bases on the far side of the Moon.

MELLY: Yeah, and those lurid tabloids have come so close to revealing that stuff so many times.

MASNIA: But is it okay if they find out that our Bigfoot race originally came from Mars?

ADAM, MELLY, LISSANDRA & MAGGA: NO!

ADAM: No, that must remain secret too. Now, hush, I gotta go interact with the audience some more.

(ADAM goes from backstage, through the curtain, leaving the girls there. They embrace. On the other side of the curtain we can hear ADAM addressing the audience. The girls continue making out.)

ADAM: We'll be moving on to the next sketch. Any last questions?

Q1: I've heard that you get many groupies after a concert. Human girls. White girls. Negresses. Asian chicks. Is that right?

ADAM: Wow, I haven't heard that at all. That would be fun. But actually, I think most groupies are kinda scared of me, for some funny reason. And besides--live from New York, it's Saturday Evening... (frenetic SEL theme music plays, fade out)