The day we had long been dreading finally arrived: our private family Document had been leaked, our isolated off-line computer had apparently been breached, and the entire top-secret text file was suddenly on the Internet and made public. The first we were appraised of this was when the National Inquisitor called to confirm the validity of the "book" we had provisionally entitled ADAM OUT OF EDEN. The reporter I spoke with, Wilson Duff, was quite aggressive and demanded that I confess about some scandalous details within that document: first and foremost about the sex lives of everyone connected to what we call the Hacienda. Were there really Sasquatch orgies every full moon? Was shyøma real? He was especially interested about Adam-- and everyone else too-- having immoral sex with his "under-aged sister" Masnia, and any other punishable violations of Washington State Law. I refused to answer his questions and hung up. Moments later we got an even more aggressive call from some undefined paramilitary group, demanding to know details of our secret plot to wipe out White Man's Civilization with a universal world-wide EMP generated by Sasquatch witch doctors. I tried to suggest that he was fantasizing, but he assured me that they had agents on their way to inspect us. After that came a call from an actual (ostensibly) government agency asking some of the same questions, and although they did not threaten to send troops to "inspect" us, I definitely had the feeling that they would soon be on their way.
We had always known that something like this was going to happen someday and had made contingency plans. We expected unreasonable behavior, legal interference, perhaps even arrests, so I sent the prearranged SMS to all NNP cell phones simultaneously: "AooE has been leaked, trouble closing in." Our people knew what to do. Elaine and I would remain in place and ride out the storm. Doug too, managing our legal team. If necessary, all of our Nokhons could vanish into the woods, rather than be subject to White Man's whims. Roberto offered to go with them, for the moment at least-- making sure to shut off his cell phone so as not to be traced out in the forest and wait 24 hours while Doug rallied the NNP lawyers. Adam was presently out of town, as you know, all the way on the other side of the USA. He and the band were on the freeway somewhere between New Jersey and Washington DC, driving to their next concert. According to the Internet news flow there also happened to be several major political demonstrations going on in the US Capitol at present, just to add to the chaos. But politics was not my problem at the moment. I called Adam's cell phone to report the situation. He was not driving the bus at that moment; Pokey was, so we could have a conversation. Adam wasn't surprised about the National Inquisitor's scandal mongering, saying: "We knew we'd have to deal with all this sooner or later, may as well get it over with." I Googled Adam out of Eden and sure enough, found our document online, after filtering past a thousand pages of all the latest news about another Adam (and Eve being evicted from Eden), finally locating a link to our very own document. It listed the original .txt-files, organized into three "books". I briefly proof-read chunks of it to ascertain that it was an accurate copy of our own document, which it seemed to be, as far as I could tell with a quick eye-scanning. So all of our "nasty secrets" were now open to public scrutiny. Of course we immediately claimed illegal violation of copyright, as prearranged with our lawyers in the event of this ever happening, but the damage had already been done. It would be copied to mirror sites and we could never get it off Internet again, anyone could read it anywhere in the world. By that very evening the information media industry was proclaiming the news in various degrees of drama: the more responsible venues, such as Channel 5 TV News and the Seattle Times, informed that an allegedly all-revealing document about the popular rock star Adam Leroy Forest and his friends and family had been hacked and leaked, providing links to find it on the internet. The National Inquisitor tabloid was much more brutal, publishing hysterical headlines that screamed: SCANDAL! BIGFOOT ROCK HERO'S PERVERTED LIFESTYLE, accusing us of incest, sex orgies with animals, evil Bigfoot plans to destroy human civilization. How the leak could have happened, whether by accident or due to deliberate betrayal, seemed to be of special interest to NI's staff reporter, Wilson Duff, who has written many other vituperative articles about Adam and those of us around him, always portraying us in the most SCANDALOUS light possible. He has been our sworn enemy ever since we sued him for publishing nude pictures of Adam and Melly at Naked Lake when the kids were only seven years old, accusing them and us adults of sexual improprieties. He lost the case and the National Inquisitor had to pay a hefty fine. That was years ago, but he is still out to get us. We were admitting nothing. We had always kept the AooE documents encrypted and had never allowed them to be installed upon any online computers, precisely so that it could never be hacked. But if someone physically among us knew what to look for and where to look (as well as having the encryption key-code) they could have sneaked into our office and made a copy on a flash card or CD, which would be easy enough to smuggle away. If, if, if. NI's Duff seemed proud to be knowing much more than he should about our personal arrangements, suggesting but not admitting that he'd been personally informed by a "whistleblower". In a prearranged and therefore recorded telephone conversation with me he couldn't control his rancor towards us and simply had to show off how deeply into our secrets he had burrowed: "You've been trusting everyone who has been allowed to read or contribute to the document. That would be twelve people: yourself, your wife, Adam and Miss Melody Wielson-- those who wrote most of it. Later came Pokey Snowchild, Miss Lissandra Cunnings, and Mr Douglas Wielson, who have also contributed to the narration. Professor Evanzine, director of IPR, and two other anthropologists on his staff; with need-to-know priority. Most recently Maki Yashido and Miguel deSanto, and that's it. Twelve. "It must be rather disappointing to discover that one or more of them has deliberately betrayed you, although you're probably hoping it was an accidental blunder on somebody's part, rather than having a traitor in your midst. But that's just wishful thinking, considering that whoever deliberately posted it onto the Internet had to be quite aware of what they were doing. "Others who have been close to your group, like Gary & Rhonda Forest, the Sinsley family and Postman David Morrison (Dave the Hippy Mailman), have never been allowed access to the uncensored version of the document-- although now they will, along with the rest of the world. Nya ha ha!" Am I misinterpreting his words to make him sound more like a cheesy villain? No, as stated, the phone call was recorded and I have just now transcribed it accurately.
After that we quit taking phone calls until we felt prepared for the onslaught. Journalists and photographers were showing up at our front gate, as so many times before. The gate was locked and we had a couple of Nokhons pretending to stand guard, not that they would have ever threatened anyone, but no journalist was about to challenge anyone as big and hairy as them. Another advantage was that the press, no matter how brave they did dare to be, couldn't interview them since they spoke only Nokhontli. Still, we knew we couldn't put the media off for long, but we could at least gather them to deal with all at once. We announced that we would be delivering our public statement at 5:00 PM.
I immediately called Adam to arrange for him to join us via a Skype connection for the Press conference, which would be at 8:00 in the evening for them over on the East Coast. At the time we called, noon for us, the band had just arrived to the campground in Washington DC, where they would be spending the next three days, so they had no problem getting ready.
5:00 am Pacific Time -- 8:00 Eastern Time; Our news release:
It was an informal affair. Besides Elaine and Doug and myself, there were maybe fifteen journalists from various news agencies, including the Seattle Times, Everett Chronicle, KING TV News, a local representative of the New York Times. And yes, the National Inquisitor was among them: I was surprised that Wilson Duff dared to put himself in such close proximity to the Sasquatch monsters he had been disparaging for years, several of whom are visiting us and therefore somewhere in the neighborhood, although none happened to be in the briefing room at that time.
Also present were two "Federal" guys, identifying themselves as Agents Jasset and Stillon, but not identifying whichever government agency they worked for. Maybe the Illuminati. They were almost identical: tall, thin, brown-suited unpleasant-looking white men in their mid-40s. Oops. do I sound prejudiced?
Adam was also virtually present, or at least his live-time face was on our computer monitor, a nice clear wide-screen Skype image from the other side of the USA. We also had a camera and microphone set up so that he could clearly see and hear us here at the Hacienda.
I made the opening statement: "A digital copy of a confidential text document entitled Adam out Of Eden, appears to have been uploaded from one of our private off-line computers and has already been published online without our permission. That was a criminal act; it IS copyrighted, and anyone attempting to make money profit off it shall be liable to legal sanctions."
A journalist for the Seattle Times was the first to strike: "Most important: is that document a factual chronicle? If so, there may be legal problems facing all of you, due to tacit admissions of incest, drugs, orgies, threats to national security... is this stuff true?"
"A good question," Doug interrupted, him being touted as our legal expert, "is that document TRUTH or FICTION? Before anyone goes making a Federal Case out of it, they'd better determine the veracity of the charges they're attempting to make. I mean, obviously we would be forced to sue anyone who prints false accusations."
"It seems to be pretty factual," the Times journalist suggested, "we all know about the Baby Bigfoot of Monroe, that part's definitely accurate. And there's no longer any question about the existence of other Bigfoot people..."
"Nokhontli," Adam corrected him, from his wide-screen monitor. "Of course, the story is primarily based on fact, it's my life story. But how about what follows? Secret Nokhon cities under the Cascades and Himalayas? Shaman Magic? Syssks and Shyøma? Telepathic orgies? Connections to Atlantis? Can you believe in all that?"
"Not really, all that does seem a little farfetched..."
"Exactly. So there is a question as to the absolute validity of that document. It may be a fiction we have written to entertain ourselves. Perhaps to sell as a book. Or produce as a movie. Maybe we've pumped it up with whimsical sex and violence and magic just to make it a more marketable product. Right?"
"Well, then," the Times reporter addressed the computer screen, "Adam, you have a reputation for being unable to lie. You can just tell us if it's all true or not."
"Of course I could," Adam responded, "but I'm certainly not going to."
"Well, that's the same as admitting that it's all true!"
"Hardly. As a singer-songwriter I am already well established in the entertainment biz. What makes you think this document is not yet another piece of lyrical art we've been developing with the intention to market it eventually? Well, now it has been leaked prematurely, but just look at the publicity we are already getting for it! So if I proclaim it FALSE, I may kill off any potential economic interest; if I claim it is all TRUE the mystery is cancelled and I become an even bigger target for puritanical hate-groups. And, as we can see here and now, the Feds, whoever they are."
Agent Jasset took exception with that: "The US Government is hardly some moralistic hate-group..."
"Really? Fooled me," Adam countered, "sometimes they act like one."
Doug just had to shout in a pithy comment: "J. Edgar Hoover was, in fact, famous for it." Doug always had an ongoing argument with Feds, most likely because he'd actually worked for them once.
"So you're not going to tell us the truth?" the Times reporter asked, as if wounded. "Adam, I thought you were supposed to be so honest."
"We ARE being honest, here is the Truth: we have vested interests in that document, which someone SEEMS to be trying to steal from us. Discretion is strategic, not dishonest."
"But WHY would you insert devious falsehoods into a story about your own life? That seems contrary to your own basically honest nature."
"Perhaps I am reacting against the rigidity of my own honesty. I literally cannot tell a lie to deceive you, but I can sing a fantasy-fiction song to entertain you because you're not expected to believe it. Just as no one calls Jesus a liar for speaking in parables."
"Yeah, perhaps? ...sounds pretty evasive."
"Have you ever seen any of those old RKO movie serials from the 40's? Like Gene Autry and the Phantom Empire? Or those dime store novels about historical cowboys and pioneers, like Billy the Kid or Davy Crockett? Fictional adventures of actual people? It's a well-established and amusing art form.
"Everyone knows that I've been among the Nokhontli folk, I've freely admitted that, but what if it was all so horribly BORING that I just had to dress it up a bit? Cheeky sex, some violence. Make up a clever religion and throw in some shamans and underground cities just to get a bit more pizzazz into the story, so that I can peddle it as a novel, or to a movie studio?"
NI's reporter Wilson Duff interrupted: "Let's not get lost in the obviously absurd fantasy elements of this document, it's the ethical and moral questions which need to be addressed..."
"So you believe some parts are absurd, except for the scandalous?" Adam asked.
"Of course, the whole thing is a mire of fact and fantasy!"
"Yeah, but which is which?" the Times reporter asked, seemingly amused.
Duff was almost sputtering with moral indignation. "In that secret document this Bigfoot brags about sex orgies, all the girls he's fornicating with...even human girls; the blond, the brunette..."
"Sounds like you're jealous," Adam commented, "and kinda racist--which is hardly the ideally objective attitude for an honest reporter involved in an investigation."
"Screw you," said Wilson Duff, evidencing his own objective attitude. "Morality aside, there are other incriminating details in that document you have released." His tone was nasty and arrogant.
"We have not officially released that document," I insisted, determined to not let Duff bully us, "it's been posted on Internet without our consent. So if there's a crime, it has been committed against us."
"Oh, we can understand why it would be without your consent, there's some pretty serious allegations to be made in respect to that document. Probably bad for your Nokhon Nation Project."
"Serious allegations, hmm, let me guess: I'll bet we're talking about accusations made by Holtz Lumber, the very same lumber cartel who have been fighting us in court and trying to discredit us all along? Any way they could? By telling any lie? Those guys?"
"We've been assured that no actual lumber cartel exists," Duff pontificated, "but yes, it was some lawyers from Holz Lumber who brought our attention to the document."
"I'll bet they did. It was probably also them who posted it online."
"Is that an accusation?" The Times reporter asked, opening a notebook, pen in hand.
"Not yet, only an educated guess." Then I turned to the Federal agents and asked, "So why are you getting involved? I can't think of any federal crimes we've admitted having committed in that document. No Mafia connections, no kidnappings, no under-aged girls being trafficked across state borders..."
"Actually, we are most concerned about the implied terrorist threat against the US Government," Agent Jasset said, "the moralities charges are just icing on the cake."
"What terrorist threat?" I asked, even though I knew.
"The world-wide Electromagnetic Pulse that the Sasquatches are planning to use to destroy our entire civilization."
"Come on, really?"
Adam took over again. "Okay, it's true that somewhere in the story is a mention that the Nokhons believe Atlantis had been destroyed by magic that could suggest an EMP shorting out their technology, maybe about 10,000 years ago. Do the American authorities officially recognize ancient hi-tech Atlantis and believe that Bigfoot shamans can actually perform catastrophic magic on that scale?"
"Not necessarily, but fluctuations throughout the Earth's entire electromagnetic field have been registered recently, resembling a potential energy charge-up to what could have been a frighteningly large-scale EMP," Jasset confided, "just as mentioned in your document."
"Now let me guess," I said, "but nothing actually happened?"
Agent Jasset looked slightly embarrassed, "No, nothing actually happened, but we have to check it out anyway."
Of course, Adam and I both knew what that was all about, and also knew that the specific danger had been nullified with the death of Da-starda-hat. But we especially knew that it would be best for all of us involved to not be shifted off to some top-secret government facility to be interrogated and perhaps experimented upon in the name of national security.
It was time to mislead them, just being careful not to lie, because Adam can't. Besides, none of us want to: lies always come back to bite you later.
So I asked, "Has anyone here actually READ the entire document? Or has the lumber cartel just told everyone here what they want you to believe?"
"Hey, I'm reading it now," the Seattle Times reporter announced, " About half way through. Basically it's a pretty good story-- I don't really mind that it is kind of erotic..."
"Kind of erotic?" Wilson Duff protested, "It's absolutely perverted!"
A murmur of amusement rippled through the other journalists, "Yeah, yeah, it's shocking (tee hee)..." "...scandalous, right?" "...we all know the National Inquisitor would never publish such trash!"
"I've... skimmed it," Agent Jasset admitted, "but it IS being closely studied by a committee even now."
"Well, I haven't read it yet either," I also admitted, "at least not every word of this particular online version. So I shan't yet say if that document is actually ours or a phony collection of lies put together and posted online to cause us as much trouble as possible."
"Well, maybe you'd better start reading fast," Jasset insisted, "because we are investigating this." Then he turned to Adam's onscreen face, "Look, it's very cute of you refusing confirm or deny the actuality of the document to the public media, but that's not going to work with us. We will subpoena you and require you make statements under oath or be imprisoned. You and all of those mentioned in the document. We are taking this threat seriously."
"Seriously-- as in seriously?" This was Doug stepping in, "Hey, you guys must be from the X-Files! The truth is wayyyy out there!" He'd decided ridicule was the best weapon, or at least the most entertaining.
"Think for a second," Doug went on, "suppose someone tells you that all the witch doctors from every Native American tribe in the USA are going to get together to chant a lot and make the Great Spirit take their traditional lands back from the White Men; what would you do about that? Arrest every Indian in America? No, because you'd be pretty damn sure it's nonsense! How is this different?"
"Because of Adam Leroy Forest," Agent Jasset says, pointing to the Skype screen. "A Bigfoot becomes a rich and successful celebrity, and now other Sasquatches are coming out of the woods, so there's a whole unknown world out there. The USA must protect itself!"
"If you are using AooE as a reference," Adam interjected, "you should be aware that the entire Nokhon population of the GPNW is under a thousand sasquatches. They could never amount to an invading swarm."
"The more you talk the more it sounds like that document is factual," Agent Jasset pointed out.
"Right," Adam agreed, "pretty clever, eh?"
"We can have you arrested, you know."
"Well, you're in the wrong Washington, by some 3000 miles. Besides, on what charge?"
There was a pause while the agents pondered, then went for the best excuse they could pull out of the air. "Immorality, to begin with,"
Adam hesitated, confused. So I shouted up so that he could hear me: "Hey Adam, I should mention that these guys have been primed for action by Holz Lumber! I think they've got an unofficial agenda."
"Ahhh," Adam said, as if understanding everything. Jasset scowled at me for interfering with his investigation.
"Immorality? Really?" Adam said, "How is my morality any business of your agency? No Mann Act violations here."
"Oh, you've been crossing state lines all right-- on your concert tour --we should be able to find something that could stick."
"Okay, you've just been recorded admitting that you have no actual case, but are considering the falsification of evidence to frame me," Adam announced, "I may just have to go over to the FBI's Main Branch here in DC tomorrow morning and check in with them to see where I stand legally. I don't seem to be under arrest, or at least you haven't charged me with anything concrete. Most likely because you can't without getting into trouble yourselves."
"That document of yours..."
"Potentially fictional. You really have no case." Adam remained calm and seemed amused.
"Besides, you can't arrest me anyway," he went on, delivering his coup de grace; "I've got diplomatic immunity."
"How do you figure...?"
"Look it up: I'm the official American Ambassador to the Nokhon Nation."
"Oh, come on," Jasset sputtered, "there IS no Nokhon Nation, you just made that up. According to your own book those Bigfoots are not organized, most of them live alone in the woods and have never heard of any Nation."
"You could say the same about hillbillies in the Ozarks, but they are still American citizens anyway. The Nokhons get in touch with their society at the kha-rats, there is a structure of leadership and centers of authority, such as Aket and Shamballah, and there is a red thread running through the Atli that unites them culturally and linguistically. That is... if the book happens to be true.
"As for the authority of the FBI to interfere with all this, you'd best be aware that the NNP has been recognized by the United Nations. You don't believe me, make some calls, check it out. Also, note that Nokhons have been granted the right to live by their own rules within their forests, just like Native Americans on reservations, just as tribes are allowed to run casinos and sell fireworks, even though they're illegal everywhere else."
"We suspect there could be a lot of trafficking in sex with minors at those kha-rat sex orgies."
"As you know, to suspect is not poof, nor is could be. In fact, nowhere in that document is there any mention of sex trafficking or prostitution. It IS however mentioned that females may not participate in sex until they are mature enough to produce shyøma."
"Yeah? That could be twelve years old, couldn't it? Like in Sumatra, or wherever it was..."
"You mean French Polynesia. But yeah, theoretically, some teen-age sex might happen within their culture, just like it does everywhere else. But actually, it's difficult to know the precise calendar age of any Nokhon, since they don't have calendars or use numbers like you NokhSos do. And so what? They have their own foolproof way of determining Age of Consent: being the physical ability to produce shyøma. A female either can or she can't, it's that simple.
"According to the Document, it's not only their culture to have a kha-rat every full moon, it's their very nature-- they can't help it. The shyøma insists. Then again, they have no unwanted pregnancies, not sexually transmitted diseases, and as a side effect of their free sexual interaction, no jealousies and no crimes of passion, including rape or murder. And no war.
"You must realize that Nokhons have to live by another set of rules and morals than the standard American WASP society. An agreement has already been legally established with the Department of the Interior that Nokhons may continue to live by their own laws-- as delineated within the oral tradition of their holy Atli --as long as they are in their natural habitat, being the forests and mountains of America. So the US Government does not have jurisdiction to suddenly change 10,000 year-old rules and arrest every Nokon in the world for retroactive violations of State or Federal law."
"We will be investigating that situation. You may be required to come in for hearings. If you refuse..."
"Oh, I won't refuse," Adam said, "but I might just press charges against you personally for unnecessary harassment, so I recommend that you first make a call to the Department of the Interior and check up on my ambassador status."
The two agents excused themselves and spent a half hour on their cell phones. Afterwards they came in to tell us "never mind for now". They'd obviously been told to back off and leave us alone.
A final question was asked by the Times reporter: "How do we know that you haven't just leaked AooE yourselves, as a publicity stunt?"
"Ha ha, you don't," Adam answered, then shrugged. "I guess time will tell."
The press conference took about an hour. The journalists wrote notes, took pictures, and generally had a good time getting what they wanted: an amusing story to print. This was not earth-shaking news, but entertaining fluff. Except for Wilson Duff with his personal axe to grind, everyone seemed content when they left us.
But something we said must have really pissed someone off, because later on that night a paramilitary death squad was sent to kill us.
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