Chrome Squatch Concert Tour USA
Chrome Pie and Squatch & Friends bands are holding a meeting inside the S&F tour bus, paused at a freeway truck stop on Interstate 71 Southbound on their way from Akron to Columbus, Ohio. All 20 participants of the tour are present, musicians and road crew.
Transcript of audio recording of that event-- about noon, Wednesday, June 24
SUNNY: Wow, twenty people kinda fills this bus up, doesn't it?
Mike/Miguel: Yeah. Normally we're only eight-- although three of 'em are squatches.
EWAN: And a gnarly g'day to all ye blokes n' sheilas.
SCOTT: Yeah, hi guys and girls.
ADAM: Yes, good day to one and all, and welcome. Glad you could make it.
EWAN: Hey, so how's the bloody hand, mate?
ADAM: Not quite so bloody today. It's a clean wound and I heal pretty fast.
FREDDY: Oh that's right, you've got that enhanced healing factor, just like Wolverine! That must be pretty neat-o!
LISS: I'm guessing Wolverine's mojo works way faster than Freakfoot's, poor baby.
BENNY JOE: So we're supposed to be holding some kinda "briefing" now?
ADAM: Right. Now that we're all gathered here, I'd like to inform everyone about what is going on with the Great AooE Document Leak. We don't want any of you to be taken completely by surprise if or when the shit goes down, since you might even feel obligated to defend us from the swarm of rabid protesters who will be coming after us-- and may be coming for you too.
MARCIE: Good. I was wondering when we'd get around to this.
SCOTT: Okay, I for one HAVE read the mentioned AooE document online, just finished it this morning, actually. So I'm also thinking that we should address our current status, which has evolved from your standard ho-hum rock'n'roll concert tour to a fuckingly dramatic and maybe even life-threatening situation for all of us.
CHARLIE: Yeah, like yesterday, for example.
EWAN: Yup. And the bloody Anthem Theater in Washington DC.
ADAM: Exactly. There could be more of that. Although right now most people who read that document will probably regard it with a healthy degree of skepticism and disbelief. But once they personally experience shyøma, that's it: they'll KNOW it's all true, everything.
SCOTT: True, man? I have to admit that I don't believe all of it myself. I mean, it's kind of a great story, sexy and fun, but I'm inclined to assume that half of it is just fiction and fantasy.
ADAM: Because you've never experienced shyøma. Well, up to now we've tried to be discrete, but it's clear that discovery is inevitable as more and more Nokhons are joining human society. All it takes is one female squatch who just happens to be near some humans during a full moon and shyøma will no longer be a secret. Frankly, it's amazing that hasn't happened yet.
OSMOND: Shyooe-mah? What's that?
MARCIE: You haven't read the document yet?
SUNNY: It's supposed to be that Bigfoot aphrodisiac. Sounds great to me.
OSMOND: What document?
ADAM: Okay folks, most of you-- if not all --have probably already heard about our Adam out of Eden "document" by now. If not, it WAS our private, supposedly secret, digitally encrypted text file documenting my history among humans and Sasquatches. It does not yet exist as a physical book.
OSMOND: Maybe that's why I never heard of it.
ADAM:It was "leaked" last week by the National Inquisitor scandal tabloid, intent upon revealing all confidential elements of my private life and whatever "shocking truths" they can dig up about Bigfoot lifestyle in general.
OSMOND: I didn't know nothing.
MARCIE: Well, you must be the only one, Osmond. Everybody else knew.
VARIOUS: Yeah, I knew. / Me too, I knew. / We knew too. / I knew some but not all... / Man. you gotta be way outta touch.
OSMOND: Nothing. I knew nothing. Still don't.
ADAM: The Enquisitor then went on to publish a barrage of nasty articles accusing me and my friends-- meaning all of US here now --of obscene immoralities and scandalous improprieties...
BENNY JOE: Yeaay team, way ta go!
ADAM: But now you get to learn an even more SECRET secret-- that I myself have deliberately orchestrated the "leak" so that I can control a gradual revealing of details about the Nokhon culture which will certainly be difficult for many uptight Americans to swallow in one fell swoop.
EWAN: But Adam, why did you bloody have to do that while we're still on tour together? Knowing that it could cause problems for all of us.
ADAM: Why now? A fair question. Because it was TIME to, according to my Spirit Vision, as referred to in the document. I get instructions every once in a while. They seem to be on the right track and my vision keeps coming true, so I feel compelled to comply.
MASNIA: You people are thinking too small. This will cause problems for everyone everywhere, not just this little mlønoli of "us". This will also change your world. And my world.
BENNY JOE: Why would we fucking want to change our world? It's cool as it is.
LISS: Rilly, BJ? War, crime, rape, murder, theft, racial hate, poison ecology, plagues, wicked religions, organized abuse...?
BENNY JOE: And you guys really believe some kinda stupid afro-dizzy-ak will fucking fix all that?
MAGGA: Ra, if all peoples will just be nice: Ø'ø'e'rah!
BENNY JOE: So what the fuck is that supposed to mean?
MELLY: That's what shyøma does to you: makes you be nice. Sexual generosity is only part of it.
LISS: Yeah, make love, not war, baby. It's pretty simple.
EWAN: That's your bloody Bigfoot magic? (pause to consider) Actually, I can accept that, I've met Abos on walkabout who blew my mind...
MARCIE: (fake accent) Zo Adam, you var chust follovink orters?
ADAM: Instructions. Like assembling Ikea furniture.
LISS: Rilly, just follow the steps. Anyone can do it.
BENNY JOE: Hey, I just figured out: THAT'S why you guys disappear every Full Moon! You shoulda invited us along instead of keeping it secret!
SCOTT: Come on, BJ, I think everybody prefers to keep their sex lives private.
CHARLIE: And maybe extra-specially from you, BJ. Just sayin'.
SCOTT: Besides, Adam has organized our schedules so that we don't get into trouble with the shyøma situation.
BENNY JOE: Yeah, but some kinds of trouble you WANT to get into.
ADAM: And some you really don't.
MELLY: Like STDs and multiple divorces and unwanted pregnancies following the trail of a nation-wide concert tour. LISS: That would piss a lot of people off, right?.
BENNY JOE: Could, I guess. Let's try and find out.
ADAM: I'm sure you'll get a chance to try shyøma someday, BJ, but it would definitely be best under controlled circumstances.
CHARLIE: Hey Adam, you've got to remember that BJ is allergic to control.
BENNY JOE: Yeah, well fuck you guys.
MIKE: Listen, I've experienced shyøma and the kha-rat, it really can be overwhelming, in the mega-overdose category. As in Ay, carumba muchachos! I far prefer normal sex with a... or with some... er... women I really love.
MELLY: Poor Miguel, he still doesn't know which one of us he loves best.
LISS: Hey, neither do I. It's a mess. A rilly nice mess.
BENNY JOE: Well, I fucking far prefer whatever sex I can get and as much of it as possible! So when do we get to try shyøma? Adam, you gotta take us to a kha-rat.
ADAM: I've had no intentions of doing that, BJ. We'd be risking Chrome Pie falling apart.
BENNY JOE: But it sounds like your band does it every full moon and you guys haven't fallen apart yet.
ADAM: It’s a Nokhon tradition and we are involved in Nokhon society. You are not.
BENNY JOE: Aww c'mon, are you just gonna hog it all to yourself?
ADAM: It's not mine to hog, we are not peddling shyøma. It's a Nokhon phenomenon, they're built for it, humans not so much.
POKEY; Besides, BJ, I think what you are really demanding is a way to screw every girl on this tour.
BENNY JOE: Hell yeah, man. Now we're talking!
GENE: Sounds pretty motherfucking cool, actually.
MARCIE: Actually, it does.
MELLY: Actually, it can be fun. And inspirational. A cosmic experience. I'm not completely against it, Addy.
ADAM: Really, Mel?
MELLY: These are our friends. We could share with them.
BENNY JOE: Yeah, yeah, let's have a VOTE! All for it...
ADAM: It’s not you or us who may vote. We'd have to ask Magga and Masnia; as female Nokhons they are the only source of shyøma we have. It would be up to them.
(ADAM to MAGGA in Nokhontli: Magga, are you following this conversation?)
(MAGGA in Nokhontli: Masnia's been translating for me, so yes. Let us do a kha-rat, this is our mlønoli now.)
ADAM: Hmm. They're in, so it looks like it might happen. But we still have to wait for the full moon.
DON: But do we really WANT to have mindless sex with each other? What about all those unwritten rules about what a bad idea it is to get involved with our own band members?
SUNNY: Well, Don, you'd finally get to "fuck me in a heartbeat", right?
DON: Oh, you read that line, did you?
SUNNY: It's okay, I didn't mind. It was kind of sweet.
DON: Honestly, Sunny, I wouldn't mind fucking you. At all. But everybody else too?
MARCIE: He means he doesn't want to cuddle up with the only other available bitch: me, the lesbian.
DON: No, I mean I don't want to cuddle up with JB!
BENNY JOE: No problem, dude, there's five more cuddly girls in the S&F bus. And hey, Marcie, don't fret, I'd do you too. If you just put a bag over your head.
MARCIE: Oh please god, kill me first.
SUNNY: Hey, Liss, are you and Melly really sharing Adam?
LISS: Well, he's rilly BIG, so there's 'nuff to go 'round!
BUNNY: Oh my god! Isn't he just TOO big?
MELLY: Actually, he's juuust right.
LISS: Yeah, he is, rilly.
SUNNY: Hey, Liss, but then why were you so MEAN to Adam in high school?
LISS: Is that as far as you've read? Hey, I get nicer later on. And then we write a fun song about it so we're cool now. (shit-eating grin) I also bone him twice a day to make sure.
MELLY: And so do I. And Magga and Masnia, of course, all his "wives".
BUNNY: Oh my God! And none of you think he’s too big? Interesting.
BENNY JOE: Are you saying this Bigfoot Monster here gets laid eight times a day?
MELLY: I guess. (little shrug) Maybe a little more.
LISS: (also shrugs) On a slow day.
FREDDY: (being a nerd) And, hey, is all of that OTHER stuff TRUE? I mean, an Underground City of Aket-- man, that's right out of Tarzan and the Jewels of Opar!
BUNNY: Hey Adam, how come WE aren't in the story?
ADAM: Oh, you are, but it's only the first volume that's gotten leaked so far. This concert tour doesn't show up until the Volume Two, Adam Into Babylon.
MIKE: But that also contains the story about our little trip to Mexico. Maybe we should keep that one secret-- at least the part about us fighting off the drug cartel...
ADAM: Everything we did there was in self defense, Miguel. And actually, we don't really know if we killed anyone...
MIKE: Still best not to advertise the details.
SCOTT: So will the next part get leaked too?
ADAM: Who knows?
SCOTT: It's just that it might be smarter to sell the rights first.
MELLY: So how many of you guys have actually read the whole document yet?
-- (sixteen hands go up) --
GENE: (hiding hands) I'm only halfway through.
OSMOND: I still haven't read anything. Is it any good?
MELLY: I think it's pretty good, but then it's our life story, Addy and me, the Cute Couple.
LISS: Until I come along. The Acute Threesome. And the Wookies, so now we're a Fun Fivesome.
MAKI: Okay, so I'll say it-- sometimes a Sexy Sexsome.
POKEY: Or an Energetic Eightsome.
SCOTT: Hey, I enjoyed reading it. Makes it more significant that I actually know you people. Plus I'm in it-- that is Chrome Pie -- playing the concert in Seattle.
CHARLIE: Yeah, I liked it too. As a novel. But I gotta say that most of the Nokhon stuff sounds pretty fucking improbable. I mean, Aket? Shamballa? Telepathy? Haka? Kinda science-fictiony, isn’t it?
ADAM:Are you telling ME you don't believe in Bigfoot?
CHARLIE: (shrugs) Well, that would be kinda dumb of me now, wouldn't it? LEE: Bunny and I read it out loud to each other, took a couple days.
BUNNY: I liked the dirty parts.
BENNY JOE: Hey, yeah, me too!
DON: I'm more than halfway through now-- at the insurrection in Aket --actually, it IS a kinda fun story.
BENNY JOE: I'm kinda stuck on the part about the orgies-- keep rereading them. Shit man, I hope that's all true.
ADAM: The version you can find on our computer is all true. I don't know if the National Inquisitor has edited or falsified any text in their "leaked" online version.
BUNNY: Maybe you should read their version and find out.
ADAM: Great idea. Except that I can't read, you know that.
BUNNY: Oh yeah, that's right. Dyslexic Bigfoots. Sorry.
MELLY: No problem, Addy can't read, but I can. It's probably a good idea to be sure of exactly what the NI is pushing to their audience.
ADAM: It hardly matters, the actual text is revealing enough.
MELLY: Yeah, we didn't write any lies into it.
LISS: Rilly. Maybe we should have. Y'know, just for fun.
ADAM: Oh, it'll be fun enough-- our strategy is to obfuscate, to deliberately muddle the validity of the text.
Is AooE Fact or fiction? Have we presented the Truth or embellished it-- a lot? Does Aket exist or have we simply recycled Atlantis? Is shyøma real or just my own horny-guy wish-fulfillment? Do the kha-rats really happen every full moon or is that only an erotic fantasy?
As long as we keep everyone guessing, the document is proof of nothing and yet familiarizes those concepts to society, which is my intention.
SCOTT: Okay, over the years we in Chrome Pie have also been spotlighted for naughtiness. Just like the Rolling Stones, Beatles, Elton, Elvis, Jerry Lee Lewis, Red Hot Chili Peppers, you name 'em. So we're in good company.
It's never really hurt us, in fact, a little bit of scandalous is pretty good PR for a rock'n'roll band: the fans dig it.
CHARLIE: Yeah, we're just doing what they'd like to do too, but don't dare to.
BENNY JOE: Yep, doo-too dee-dee doo-doo. And as long as nobody gets hurt it's all in fun,
MELLY: But the tabloids DO want to hurt us. They thrive on generating scandals-- and particularly one asshole writer for the National Inquisitor, a Mister Wilson Duff --who has been personally persecuting Addy and me for years now, probably mostly out for revenge.
SUNNY: Revenge for what?
MELLY: Mister Duff has gotten himself into some pretty expensive legal trouble for publishing underage nude pictures and racist articles about Addy and me. Mostly for us having been seen together at Naked Lake back when we were just kids, suggesting all sorts of pre-teen sex shenanigans --which never happened-- at least not until we were into our twenties.
ADAM: And now the NI claims that AooE is proof that I am a pervert and all Nokhons are sex fiends who throw orgies every full moon. Well, the orgy part is true enough, but it's part of a ten-thousand-year-old culture, so how is that my fault?
SCOTT: And it seems to be the only fun squatches ever have, so who's to judge?
BENNY JOE: Me, I am. I'll judge. Just let me check it out.
CHARLIE: Yeah, but now the stakes are higher than some slightly embarrassing sex scandal, as evidenced by the terrorist attack that almost happened at the Anthem Theater in Washington DC. We had armed assassins and a militia hit squad out to kill Adam and maybe those of us on stage with him.
FREDDY: Yeah but our local superhero Adam took care of things like only a big bad Bigfoot could-- that was so cool, man...
LEE: Yeah, sure, Adam was great. But the danger was real enough and it could have easily gone another way.
EWAN: Maybe next time it bloody will. We do need to be crystal clear about that.
SCOTT: Right, so we have to decide if we are going to continue this concert tour, because we can all be in danger here. Our Nokhon friends may be superhuman, but the rest of us are not. If we are on this concert tour just to make money, we may have to ask ourselves, is it worth the risk? Do we need the money that bad?
MARCIE: Hey, yeah, I do. Somebody keeps drinking my money up.
EWAN: Yeah mate, some of us do need the money that bad. This is our bloody profession and going on tour generates our income for an entire year.
GENE: Right on, muthafugga. Maybe the stars and songwriters can go make a hit album in a studio and score some big bucks, but we roadies have to work for a living.
DON: Maybe some of us can be considered rich, I'm not and probably never will be. But I really like this job and want to keep on doing it.
SCOTT: But even being rich is only relative as it tends to be expensive-- newer cars, bigger houses, higher taxes, bigger debts.
CHARLIE: We all know this is not just about money. There's also taking a stand to support our friends. And maybe even making music on a higher level.
SCOTT: As motivated by life and death?
CHARLIE: For example, yeah.
SCOTT: Yeah, but are we the Dance Band on the Titanic? Do we have the balls to carry this tour out to the finish?
ADAM: Actually, our current danger level has been greatly reduced. Mostly it was due to the corrupt Senator Colin Carver, who has now been arrested by the FBI, as well as some of his private militia. The rest of them are probably no longer being paid to come after me and should therfore lose interest.
EWAN: We can hope that, but can't know for sure. There can always be zealots.
MELLY: True, but there's just so much that we can worry about without going crazy. There's also still a potential threat from a Mexican drug cartel.
ADAM: Well yes, however, their big boss, Salvador deVega, is now in prison in Mexico and his 12 year old son is living with my folks at our Hacienda as a voluntary hostage.
MIKE: Adam, you've mentioned that deVega has become surprisingly friendly on the phone.
ADAM: Right, he hasn't seriously threatened me in a while and seems almost sympathetic, even going so far as to warn me about danger from Senator Carver. I'm guessing he actually prefers that Roberto is far away from his own evil drug cartel business, since he doesn't really want his kid to grow up to be a criminal.
LISS: Oh no, our poor evil drug lord is conflicted?
MELLY: But we still have the usual white supremacists and other racist militia to deal with and we will be heading South, to where they abound.
ADAM: True. But that's nothing new, we've always had them buzzing around.
SCOTT: And you three Nokhons have always been able to overpower the bad guys, one way or another, brains or brawn. Actually, I feel pretty safe being with you.
SUNNY: Yeah, a little Bigfoot power makes for a pretty good backup.
MIKE: Besides, this is a Magic Bus and we're all along for the ride. We'd have to be crazy to hop off now and I certainly won't.
CHARLIE: And besides again, what is happening to US? Aren't we somehow becoming magical too? Haven't you all noticed how our onstage performances keep getting better all the time? I mean, to an unusual degree.
EWAN: Yeah, well that IS a normal result of practicing so much. I think you're over idealizing things.
CHARLIE: Maybe so. But sometimes a band burns out, especially if they're not getting along and the music gets worse every night. Remember back when Al Stinson, our original keyboard guy, was getting strung out on heroin all the time? We were mad at him and each other and our performances just sucked.
BENNY JOE: Yeah, it was a relief he finally OD'd.
SCOTT: Wow, that’s pretty cold, BJ.
CHARLIE: Well, that's not happening here. We are beloved friends and proficient musicians, the power in the music we make together is precisely "magical" and I think we all feel it. Performing together with all of you is a valued experience. And yeah, it would be the shits to lose that magic because we chicken out when our band needs us to back them up.
VARIOUS: Right on! Agreed!
SCOTT: So it seems we are in agreement to stick together and complete the concert tour as planned?
BENNY JOE: Hell, yeah, man!
VARIOUS: Yes! Yeah! All the way, man.
SCOTT: So, considering the potential danger, is there anyone who wants to jump ship?
BENNY JOE: Hey, Adam, what about that kha-rat thingy? Are you going to let us in on that or not?
ADAM: We're not near any group of Nokhons.
BENNY JOE: Maybe not, but we could just do it amongst ourselves. I ain't gonna lie, I'd KILL to pork-- (he turns to face MELLY, LISS & MAKI) --every one of all you S&F chicks.
MELLY: You might find a kha-rat to be quite a different event than you expect. It's a very heady experience.
BENNY JOE: Hell, that's way cool with me, I dig head.
BUNNY: Actually, I'd like to get in on that too. Both of us, Lee and me, I mean.
LEE: (surprised) Would we? I don't know, babe. What about us being faithful?
ADAM: Faithfulness is going to be a dilemma for anyone who decides to try the kha-rat, your standard human morality gets pretty much crunched up and spit out. This is a Nokhon tradition, they're built for it, you might not be.
CHARLIE: So...what? Are you offering to let us... join you?
ADAM: We’ve been discreet about it up to now, but now that you’re all in on our story I don’t feel right about just sneaking away…
MASNIA: We have revealed our secret to this group of humans because we share this journey. The kha-rat WILL arrive with the full moon, and if we are together it WILL happen to us.
ADAM: So it's up to you guys. The next full moon is on the 2nd of July.
POKEY: That's in nine days, folks. So you've got time to think it over.
ADAM: Normally, as you've noticed, we sneak off and do some mysterious stuff in private somewhere, but we could just sneak off all together this time, get away from other people-- if you want. But if we do, you'll be affected by Magga and Masnia's shyøma and there'll be no turning back.
MAKI: Oh God, are we really doing this?
POKEY: Looks like maybe, baby.
SCOTT: I don't think I can do it. I AM married and DO want to stay faithful.
ADAM: Right, fair enough. One should be absolutely deliberate about this.
SCOTT: I mean, it's tempting... The cosmic part...
CHARLIE: Yeah, but maybe I'm out too, I'm not sure. I want to keep Anne, y'know...
DON: Hey, man, I'm in. Got no problem with being faithful to no-one, and from what I’ve read in the AooE document it sounds like a pretty wild experience.
POKEY: It is, definitely. But maybe we can't guarantee the telepathic stuff without a mlønoli of Nokhons along for the ride.
MAGGA: Oh, I can do "the telepathic stuff". I am sha-haka-ma, you know.
MASNIA: And I am, what you call, an "adept". We can do it.
BENNY JOE: Hey girls, any way I can get a sample in advance ?
MAKI & BUNNY: Ewww!
FREDDY: Hey, can I come too?
LISS: Oh, don't worry Freddy, you'll come all right.
MARCIE: What about me? I'm not exactly hetero, you know.
LISS: You will be at the time, rilly, no problemo.
MARCIE: I'm not sure I want that.
LISS: If you smell shyøma it won't matter what you don't want, you'll want to anyway.
MARCI: Hey girls, do I sense a little gayness vibe between all you in the S&F bus?
(...no response to that...)
ADAM: Well, folks, as Pokey said, you've got nine days to think it over. And if you decide either for or against, there's always another full moon coming along next month.
SCOTT: Okay folks, it's time for us to get back on the road and head out for the fabulous city of Columbus, Ohio.
the Adam out of Eden series