Yeah, hi, this is Freddy Sessions. I'm the lighting and special effects guy for Chrome Pie-- altho on this tour we're calling ourselves Chrome Squatch because we're touring with Squatch & Friends. As of right now nobody knows if that is permanent or not. But then, nothing is permanent anyway, not even my big belly. I hope.
I've been on the CP road crew for about 6 years now, but I've known Scott and Charlie and Benny Joe since way back when Yvonne was still the boobs and the brains of the band, almost ten years ago. They were a couple of years behind me in High School, but I guess that don't mean so much any more. But even back then, they were the cool guys: rock musicians with a future. Sometimes even winning the school talent contests.
Anyway, Melly from Squatch & Friends has been talking each of us roadies into describing a chapter about our own versions of this USA Concert Tour. I've been avoiding it, figured I didn't have anything specially interesting to say, better to let someone else more expert tell what they know. I tend to hang out in the background, keep from being noticed. Unless I do have something to say. Which now I do.
Because I AM an expert about comic books, a geek freak and we found ourselves driving close to a town I've always wanted to see someday-- the real-live city of Metropolis: that's right, Superman's home town. I know, we aren't doing a concert there, but hey I just wanted to visit Metropolis for once in my life.
Yeah, yeah, I know it's not the real (fictitious) Metropolis, just a marketing gag to attract dumb tourists, but hey, it's just about the only place with a couple of giant statues of Superman, in their appropriate comic-book colors, which I consider so cool. And the main statue is even bigger than Adam, our own Bigfoot, so it's fun to pose him next to it and see what he'd look like as a short runt like me.
Metropolis was fun, for me anyway. It's really just a small town with some nondescript shopping centers spread around and a riverfront park, the Superman Museum was really the only interesting thing about it. And maybe mostly to a dedicated fan like me.
I mean, to actually appreciate the materials presented you'd need to know who Neal Adams is, or Wayne Boring, Jerry Siegel and Joe Schuster. Stan Lee, Jack Kirby. Alan Moore. Mark Millar. Okay, maybe you don't NEED to know, but it means more if you do,
So yes, there really IS a town called Metropolis, found between St Louis and Nashville on our concert route, it just ain't no gargantuan metropolis, but a small town in Illinois alongside where the Ohio River borders the state of Kentucky. Actually, Metropolis is smaller than Smallville (that's an in-joke for comics nerds). In 1972 the local Chamber of Commerce decided to cash in on their fictionally famous name and call it the official home town of Superman. So they made a big statue of our hero and a comic book museum to attract tourists. And nerds, like me.
Yes, I'm a comics freak, a devotee of superhero comic books, graphic novels, TV series Marvel and DC movies, Batman, Bandes Dessinées, stuff like that. I go to the big Comic Con in San Diego every year, usually dressed as Iron Man or Thor. I could be one of those guys in that old Big Bang Theory TV sit-com, only maybe not quite so Hollywood-handsome. I'm kinda fat, short, balding, bearded, gnarly. But I do okay with the groupies anyway-- usually the fat ones, but I'm ok with that and with them --so I'm kinda content with my lot in life, at least while we're on tour. It's a fun gig.
So I've wanted to visit Metropolis ever since I was a kid, just to wallow in the world of fantasy and pretend that it's all real somehow. But in really-real Real Life on Earth, it's not lost upon me that one of the guys I'm traveling with on this tour is absolutely the closest person I'll ever meet to a real live Superhero: Adam Leroy Forest, our Singing Sasquatch. When we got caught in a May snowstorm in Minnesota State, he and his Bigfoot girl friend, Magga, were caught on TV helping to untangle a big freeway pileup by lifting wrecked cars up over their heads and setting them aside so the doors could be ripped open. I mean, talk about Awesome! Check it out on YourTube!
Adam Leroy Forest is a genuine "Bigfoot", long considered creatures of fantasy and myth-- although it turns out they're REAL --so he's inhumanly big and strong, built like The Hulk (although much more well-behaved) and with all sorts of weird extra super powers. Super-smell, super-memory for words, super-talented musician and singer. He fits right into a town showcasing supermen.
In fact, while we were walking around town some tourists thought Adam was part of the show, an actor in an oversized hair-costume, but they couldn't understand why he had normal clothes on over his Bigfoot disguise. Some guys were disappointed when they saw Magga and Masnia wearing t-shirts, I guess they wanted to see bare hairy boobs. I can't blame them, they're nicely shaped-- and trimmed in a fun way.
A bunch of old ladies were interested in our squatch girls, especially Masnia, asking which comic book character she was acting as. She grinned and told them, "I'm supposed to be Masnia, a Bigfoot princess who sings and dances with a bunch of musicians on a concert tour around the USA." The little old ladies ooohd and aaahhd and said, "Oh, such an imagination! And your make-up is really quite amazing!"
Other tourists wanted to buy some Bigfoot Comic Books from us, which as far as we know don't exist. One kid even asked if Adam could fly. Adam answered "No, but I wish I could!" The kid said, “Yeah, me too.” I kept my mouth shut, I mean, don't get me started on how cool it would be to fly. Just keep in mind all the telephone lines you'd better avoid.
I picked up a few collectibles in the Super Museum comic shop, but they didn't have the first issue of Action Comics (1938) and even if they did I don't have an extra 3.18 million dollars, so I'll just make do with the $2 reprint I bought a few years ago.
"This place reminds me of the Star Wars Museum in Aberdeen, Wash," Adam commented about the museum. "Kind of silly and absurd but also fun." Adam may be a super-hero, but he's not a comics nerd.
"Yeah, but just wait until they set up the Adam Leroy Forest Museum and merchandise shop," Pokey suggested.
"But what would they sell?" Adam asked, "I have no accoutrements. And when I'm visiting other squatches I've got to be naked."
"Hey, I'D like a statue of you naked," Lissandra told him, "and standing erect, please." She's always kind of cheeky like that. With me, I wish.
(I'e been reading the AooE Document on my Ipad, so I know that Adam gets to boink her. Cool. But like I said, wish it was me.)
"How about CD's of our music?" Melly says. (Adam gets to boink her too. Shit, he even gets to boink both of them at the same time! Need I say what I wish?)
"CDs barely exist anymore," the big hairy guy says. "it's all streaming now,"
"The AooE Book, if it ever gets published," Pokey added, still talking about what the AooE Museum could contain.
"And if they're not all going to be burned," Adam laughed.
"Sets of action figures of us all," Liss reminded them all. Actually, they already do exist, I've seen them in LA.
".. a copy of your extra-wide guitar."
"Hey, we could sell those to other squatches," Scott said.
"Except that squatches don't have any money," Mike reminded everyone.
"...a scale-model of the Squatchmobil!" Pokey said with obvious enthusiasm.
"..a model of our wonderful TOUR BUS!" Melly suggested.
"Hey, I'D like one of those myself!" Pokey admitted.
Everybody laughed. Even me.
The town's main statue of Superman stands about 15 feet tall, so we took some pictures with Adam standing next to it. Adam's only a little bit over half that tall at 8'3", so it was kind of amusing to see him as a little guy for once. The statue was built in 1986 and is painted in bright red, yellow & blue primary colors.
There's also a statue of Lois Lane a few streets away, being actually a statue of Noel Neill, the actress who played Lois in the old 50's "Adventures of Superman" TV series starring George Reeves. She's only life size, but an okay statue anyway. Although I would've preferred a statue of Erica Durance instead, from the "Smallville" TV show, she gets my vote for the hottest Lois Lane ever.
Although Amy Adams wasn't bad either. Or Kate Bosworth, really. Face it: far as pretty girls go, I'm easy. Like the ones lucky Adam gets to boink every day. Even the squatch chicks: that Masnia's a fox. Magga's pretty too, but kind of scary, being so big and strong. Like the She-Hulk, it’d be cool if she was only green. Yeah, I'd boink her too.
Hell, I'd boink any girl, they wouldn't have to be on the unrealistically high level of Melly or Lissandra. I like fat girls too. As long as they're nice. Skinny's okay too. Hmm--why am I being so horny? I usually go a long time without fretting over this kinda stuff.
Oh, I know why. All that talk of Adam inviting our whole convoy to a Bigfoot full moon mating ceremony, only with us humans this time. Supposedly even me, because I'm in the convoy too. Well, I'll believe that when I see it.
The Super Museum & Gift Store has all sorts of Superman trivia: movie posters, action figures, S-symbol t-shirts, DVDs of all the movies and TV shows, collectible old comics as well as the latest issues of all the DC stuff, etc. Of course, once you've visited that, and eaten a burger in the Dairy Queen, there ain't much more to do in Metropolis.
It's a shame we weren't here for the 2nd weekend of the month, when it was the big Superman Celebration with parades and lots of bands playing-- maybe even us! But we were in Boston about then. Oh well, maybe next time.
Of course, I was like a pig in poo-poo, having a lot more fun than any of my teammates. After a couple of hours they were all ready to go. So with a heavy sigh I went off with them to maybe end up camping in the Shawnee National Forest not too far from here. We have a five day break.
Oh yeah, I just remembered; it's that Full Moon thing, there’s supposed to be a Bigfoot mating ceremony going on. All the horniest guys are looking forward to that, they really think all us guys will get to boink all these fantastic girls as much as we want, but I just can't see it actually happening that way. I'm sure it won't be what it sounds like.
That's just too sci-fi for me to believe. And I'm a nerd, I'll believe anything.
But we didn't leave Metropolis that day anyway, because it wasn't yet agreed upon what we would do with our 5-day break. Or where we would go. Some wanted to go see a 4th of July parade somewhere, others, like me, couldn't care less. But the real issue was the Full Moon mating ceremony, or kha-rat, as they were calling it. Most guys wanted in on that. Girls weren't so sure, some afraid to. Me too.
We found a big empty parking lot out on the edge of Metropolis and set up to camp there overnight. A couple of city cops came cruising by and asked what we were doing. "Regrouping," Scott and Adam told them, "deciding where we go from here."
Then the cops recognized us, being fans themselves, and said "Oh hey, you guys are welcome to spend the night!" So as night was setting in, our musician magicians started playing together, not rehearsing, just playing for fun outdoors in that big empty parking lot. Some local folk came by, not to complain but to listen. Then more came to join in, including the two now off-duty cops and their families. Free beer showed up, it became a party. All we were missing was Superman, although I was comforted by the idea that he was around here somewhere nearby.
I took one of our folding stools and sat myself in the crowd by the S&F bus, where the musicians were playing, everyone quite jolly. Although there were also serious discussions going on; about what we should do for the next few days and the moral decisions we need to make.
For Benny Joe it’s easy: he wants to be in on the sex. He demands it. Others are more cautious in their active interest for an all-consuming semi-involuntary orgy. Adam is not exactly recommending it: "Squatches are built for it and it's their culture. Humans maybe not so much," he's saying.
"You seem to be doing alright!" Benny Joe makes it sound like an accusation.
"Oh, I am. But I do love these women and I'm careful with them, physically and emotionally. And well, I am built for it, being a Nokhon. But culturally I'm an American guy, just like you."
"From everything you've said about a kha-rat, I don't figure that Bigfoot babes are 'specially delicate or breakable."
"It's not them I'm concerned for," Adam says with a little chuckle, "it's more you who might get in trouble."
"Trouble like that I can deal with." Then BJ looks over at Masnia with a greedy leer of horniness. "Specially if I'd get to cuddle up with Masnia, our sexy almost-little squatchette!"
"Cuddle up?" Masnia was confused. "Does that mean fuck?"
"Only if you insist." Smarmy grin, BJ style.
She shrugs-- a human mannerism she's learned, "I don't, but of course, if we are at a kha-rat together yøramma will happen. But you would first have to be accepted by mlnønoli -- the local community."
"Hey, looking forward to it, Babe. In fact, we don't need to wait for a kha-rat or whatever you call it. I'm ready to go right now."
"Not me. My shyøma is not yet flowing."
"Hey, I know you're fucking Adam just about every day, I've overheard you:"
"Yes, but I have chosen him because I always desire him and he has accepted me as a lover. Shyøma is not required to generate lust between us, it's always there. In your NokhSo terms we are a couple. Or if you prefer the traditional romantic definition: I love him and he loves me."
"What about all these other girls he's porking, that doesn't make you jealous?"
"No, I love them too. I've never understood exactly what jealous means to NokhSos, it's not quite a Nokhon concept." "Oh, Babe, you could love me too."
"Perhaps I will, (another shrug) we shall see."
Scott came to talk with Adam, waiting for him and Mike to finish a Mexican song that the ever-growing crowd was dancing and clapping to, Adam's left hand healed enough that he could easily play guitar again.
Scott had been thinking about the kha-rat he couldn't go to and still be a good husband. "Actually, it's a real dilemma for me. I don't want to betray Shirley, but I feel like I'm betraying myself if I don't allow myself this cosmic experience."
"Well, there's an easy solution," Adam said, "invite your wife to share the experience with you. Shirley could fly out here and join us for the ceremony."
"Oh, she'd never go for that. Just suggesting it might wreck our marriage."
"I don't know your intimate details, but that's what my parents ended up doing and they're still quite happy together."
"Maybe so, but Art and Elaine are deeply involved in Nokhon society, Shirley isn't."
"Well, so how's your married sex life?"
"Oh, it's, well, you know..."
"No, I don't know, but I can sense that you're not about to brag about it."
"Well, you know... it's okay. I mean, we've got kids but sex still happens... every now and then."
"Not like in the beginning? Or your good old days with all the groupies ?"
"Well, no... but I love her and the kids."
"Of course, but how would you like to have the good-old sex back, just like when you fell in love?"
"Oh, that would be..." Scott's expression is dreamy. "...pretty fantastic."
"Invite her," Adam ordained. "Share the magic. She'll love you for it. Rejuvenate your love life."
"Are you such an expert cocksman that you know how my wife will react?"
"But Scott, how many wives do I have?
" "That's absur..." Scott pauses, then laughs, says no more and walks off to make a phone call to his wife.
A little later Charlie decides to do the same. The kha-rat is beginning to seem decided for.
The next day Scott announces that the CP bus will be spending the day in the area because they'll be picking up Scott's wife Shirley from the local municipal airport at Purdah when she flies in from LA in the afternoon. And later same day, Anne in from Indianapolis.
The S&F bus will go searching for a good campsite in the nearby Shawnee National Park, where those of us interested can meet up with them on Full Moon's eve. The Roadie bus can go do whatever it wants, assuming they too will eventually meet up Thursday for the orgy. Seems everyone's deciding to shoot for the sex.
Perfect for me; I can spend another day at the Superman Museum.
Adam Into Babylon